YOURS, MINE, & OURS

Sanity Anyone?

2011-10-25T16:43:00.001-06:00

I saw this on Stepmom Central on Facebook...

I think every SM can relate to feeling like their losing their sanity. I know I have on many occasions. The key to that is support from other SM's or SM groups. I will always be so grateful for my SM groups (Yours, Mine, & Ours on Mama's Lounge & Buckeye Bonusmom on Facebook.) My YMO group, they are my best friends, they know me to the "T" and they have helped me immensely to get through some really tough times.

Where is your sanity?

Differences in Feelings with Troubled Bio vs. Step Situations

2011-10-07T09:26:00.000-06:00

So I have some random thoughts going through my mind lately. Probably because I have friends dealing with some very stressful situations in their step families. And because I have been there from time to time in my own.

So, what if you have a bio-child or teenager who has made some choices that lead them down a path that wreaks havoc in their life and causes stress and concern in your family? What is the feeling on this when it is your own child? Well, concern for their well-being of course, you love them and care about them and you want what is best for them. And I'm sure it can feel like craziness in your household and family for a long time. You'll always be there for them, because you have unconditional love for them. You do your best to help them while they still are given their free agency.

And why should the feelings be any different within a step/blended family? I believe that it may be a common thought amongst those outside of the step or blended family. Though I have thought about these questions myself. I feel that if the stepchild and family itself, a long with BM have a good solid foundation of mutual respect - then yes, I believe that the feelings above would be the same or similar.

I believe and feel that it is much harder to go through crappy life decisions upon your stepchild's life simply because there is extra drama that is thrown in along with the already bad decisions they have made to wreak havoc on their own life and the lives of those around them. The drama that already exists within the step/blended family such as between BM and her struggles with her child having a stepmom, issues with step /blended family or the power issues and other issues that she continues to have towards her ex, the loyalty issues that no matter how good things are within the step/blended family - the stepchild will stomp all over you (stepmom) just so they never look bad in the eyes of their own bio-mother, and so on makes for a more intensified situation of stress, concern, and more stress than you can even imagine. That extra drama plus many other issues that I haven't even touched on consists of cracks in the foundation, cracks that never could be filled because the lack of mutual respect can't create a strong foundation.

We have also already established that the bond between bio-child and stepchild is completely different. If you haven't read about this, I'll just touch on it briefly - the moment you find out you are pregnant you start bonding with your bio-child and or adopted child. Each stepmom comes into a stepchild's life at different times of their life - the bond never started from the womb or from birth or if older in adoption situations from a mutual understanding of the amazing bonds through adoption. The idea of everything just meshing together with unconditional love is unrealistic and sometimes never occurs because of the very drama that occurs in many step/blended families. So, the feelings if your stepchild makes decisions that wreak havoc in their life and your family are more intensified and more negatively felt because of the history involved. The feelings are different.

You try being a stepmom in these situations and see how it makes you feel. Children and especially teenagers are hard anyway; step-teenagers, step-children with the added drama is by far harder and the feelings are not the same as it would be for your own bio-child going through similar bad choices, minus the step/blended family drama. The love is different, the caring is different, and so on.

Control Over Your Household

2011-09-26T23:34:00.000-06:00

In light of BBM's last quote I put here, I have applied this into my own stepmom life a long time ago. In that, you can only control so much, and your energy should be within your own home. BM has choices of her own in her own household, even if I or we don't agree with much of them; it doesn't matter. What matters the most is what we can control in our home.

Though, even that simple of a statement can be really challenging when SS is "set-up" to expectations prior to his visits that aren't going to happen, or that are unrealistic. "Set-up" to what BM thinks should happen or occur, and sometimes I have wondered if she does that on purpose to make a point that there will be no bonding going on.

So, when this has happened it tends to take the control out of our household and it all kind of flies out the door. It also makes it difficult to gain or strengthen relationships between SS and everyone in the stepfamily, especially DH and myself.

However, I have learned that there is a control even under this that can be put in place to not let the effects of what he expects to happen get to me. Yes, the attitude has been incredibly frustrating, annoying, rude, disrespectful... I could go on and on - more so than your average child who isn't involved in a blended or stepfamily situation, with a BM who wants to try and control the "other" household. The attitude is excessive, and it has been draining, it has been more than difficult.

But, when we put in place the control that we have over ourselves and our households as best as we can, we take the struggle we have out of the situation at hand that just makes stepmom life that much more bitter. We can actually have a little bit of inner peace, which creates more control over your household little-by-little; and creates positive energy to where it needs to be, instead of negative energy running wild.

Buckeye Bonusmom Quote

2011-09-21T10:40:00.000-06:00

I am one of many members on a great stepmom group called Buckeye Bonusmom (BBM) on Facebook. I have asked permission and have been granted permission to share some of the quotes she uses in this group that have really touched my own stepmom heart; to help me move forward and not get stuck in the crazy world of stepmom moments, and to find comfort in those that truly understand. So, at random I will be sharing quotes from BBM with you.

Here is one to start this off...

"Stepmoms if you focus time and energy into what the BM is doing or if she is saying something to others about you that isn't true basically you are letting her have power over you and control over you. You control your own life and what goes on in it. Don't let her get to you. Don't play the *what if's* over in your head. Work on what you can control, your home, your life and your family....."

National Stepfamily Day

2011-09-15T09:23:00.000-06:00

It is National Stepfamily Day!

What are you going to do on this day? Here are some suggestions:

National Stepfamily Day Foundation

My "Sign" - I Am Doing The Best I Can

2011-09-12T10:20:00.001-06:00

A friend of mine shared a blog post on a blog titled "Brave Girls Club". The post that was recommended on this blog is called, "We Must See Past What it Seems." Go read it, then come back here. Amazing story, and while I cannot relate to what she went through - I am grateful for her sharing what she did, it really just hits home to how we all deal with our own trials, and perhaps would wear a sign to help others understand and have more compassion and not judge us or try to beat us down. But that we would find compassion and empathy and work at helping rather than hindering.

I think I would have to wear multiple signs though - and not just in our stepfamily.

"I'm a stepmom and I am doing the best I can."
"I have a stepson who has a loyalty war going on. And I am doing the best I can."
"I deal with a BM who tries to sabotage our family life. And I am doing the best I can."

"I have endometriosis and I am doing the best I can."

These are the signs I can think of at the moment that I would wear.

Tainted

2011-09-02T23:24:00.002-06:00

I feel like I am older than I am at times. I feel worn down.

I was on one of my stepmom groups (Buckeye Bonusmom) recently and asked, "Does anyone else ever feel like their experiences with being a SM has tainted you?"

I got an immediate response.

For me, I feel like the joys that I once knew and had were pulled out from under me because of all the stepmom feelings I've dealt with, not to mention stepmom/stepfamily issues.

Buckeye Bonusmom herself commented with, "I think MANY of us have felt this or feel this, I know I have! It is hard journey and sometimes you have to take a break or take some *me* time and rejuvenate yourself."

I joked if I could take like a year of *me* time. If I could go to the spa like once a year and be pampered that would be a wonderful *me* time. One can wish.

A contributor here in this blog, as well as one of my best friends (BethAnn) said it how it is. " Despite my BEST efforts, I feel tainted. Like even if I tried, I can't sit and enjoy even the normal part of family life because I feel like I'm waiting for the next drama or issue or problem. ((hug))"

Buckeye Bonusmom also said, "I use to remember those days and it gives me goosebumps when I hear your posts! I would try very hard to try and be in the present, enjoy your life.....because if you are always thinking of the drama or the next problem it will happen and... why waste your time worry about it. I learned to shift my focus on positive and really try and not get worked up when things didn't fall into place or there was chaos... I distracted myself about HER or DRAMA taking up space in my head or our family. Easier said than done but it does help!"

And this is exactly how I have felt. I don't put a lot of emphasis on waiting on the next drama anymore, that part isn't so intense, as is just that I am sick of it all; I'm sick of feeling this big heavy black cloud following me even when SS isn't here. That is the part of the tainted part I really hate. I feel like all of it has affected a good part of me, or it is lost somewhere inside of me.

At the same time, as we were commenting back and forth on this subject, I realized even more how much my kids are tainted by these experiences as well. I don't think they are really aware of it, though our oldest was at an early age when he was trying to figure out his emotions. Which is a big reason why we pulled the plug on SS coming over on Friday nights, and now just comes Saturday to Sunday. SS's behavior was just simply affecting our oldest too much, not to mention I had to deal with the emotional aftermath for days when SS had gone home. So incredibly frustrating and heart wrenching.

Something I have come to realize over the years, is that there is never a win-win scenario really in stepfamilies when there is so many issues and emotional pulls coming from so many directions, even people who don't even live here, namely BM. Who can be concerned or whatever about SS, but cannot have a say in what we do in OUR family, though she has tried to sabotage what could have been some good times. Which just adds to the whole stress of everything. We do the best we can, and make the best decisions we can under every circumstance.

Anyway, I think I am getting side-tracked with the subject at hand, but being a stepmom takes a great mental and physical toll on your spirit and body! I'm just really, really worn down. Can I have a break now?!

"...informative and helpful articles by stepmothers and stepparenting experts who walk the walk."

2011-09-01T11:08:00.002-06:00

I thought you might be interested in this post on Wednesday Martin's blog, which is essentially in Stepmom Magazine. Go check it out!

Stepmothers in History and Prehistory…In Stepmom Magazine

....except you have to subscribe to the magazine, which I think would be beneficial for all of us stepmoms! I only wish I had the extra $ to do that right now, one day. But perhaps you do and this will be an enlightening article for you!

Wishing You All Well In Your Journey

2011-08-31T11:51:00.001-06:00

This blog has been a really good way for me to reach out to others who may be struggling in their stepfamily journey. I hope that it has helped someone move forward or even just see that they are not alone in the crazy feelings that occur.

Recently this blog has become active again, and I am amazed at how many views and how many followers there are on this blog in such a short time. Either you are going through similar experiences and are clinging onto something or someone that can relate to you or you just possibly find my writing amusing. I don't know what the case may be.

I recently did a post on my other blog regarding distractions. And while I am so happy to reach out to others, because I know how it is to feel alone in the "crazy" stepmom feelings, in the our journeys with our stepfamilies or blended families. I am needing to step back and invite the other contributors to perhaps share some of their own experiences or thoughts within the blog. I'm not sure if that will occur, that is entirely up to them. I may come back from time to time, but I know that I need to step back and continue with the support I get through my amazing stepmom friends; they are my best friends; my anchor in the heartache and turmoil I have gone through and continue to go through as a stepmom, in our stepfamily. I am needing to eliminate some of the distractions in my own life so I can focus on improving myself and the relationships I have with those that I love the most, my family, my kids, my friends.

I do hope that you have found some support through this blog. I encourage you to get involved in support groups that fit your needs, I encourage you to get into therapy for yourself or with your spouse as well. Stepparenting, stepfamilies are extremely hard and rightfully so. Thank you for the support that you have shown here, by being a follower and any comments you have shared. I wish all of you well in your journey's and again you may or may not see me back here from time to time.

EDIT: A day later: I will most definitely be back her to post, it just won't be every week like I anticipated.

Making (re)Marriage 1st

2011-08-22T10:01:00.003-06:00

Recently, in my other blog "Saving Marriage ~ One Day At A Time", I posted on the subject of "So you can have a disagreement and not get a divorce?" I think this subject is something that is dealt with every marriage, but also in remarriage. The idea behind my thoughts on this is that privacy in communication matters to put the marriage itself first, and to not belittle, demean, disrespect etc the other person in front of the children - in this blog however, the stepchild(ren). But also if you have other children, the example being displayed with obviously affect them to.

Every time a stepchild displays disrespect towards stepmom and it is handled by the stepmom and not the bio-parent - that moment puts you in a place of "evil" stepmom. At the same time, if a stepchild displays disrespect towards stepmom and isn't handled by bio-parent at all - that moment also puts you in a place of "evil" stepmom. Because A. if you, the stepmom handle it, the stepchild generally feels that it is not your place to be dealing with discipline (and true, it is not, so it should be the bio-parent and the stepparent be as the back-up). and B. if nothing is done, discipline-wise for the disrespect, it confirms the the child that it is okay to treat stepmom with disrespect, amongst other negative ideas that go into their head. And creates resentment feelings towards DH and SS. Every time discussions that are brought up and the bio-parent just took sides with stepchild, that too puts you in a bad position.

After being involved in stepmom groups and reading some books recently on stepfamilies, like with marriage in general, remarriage should come first and if it isn't and hasn't then start now! Understanding this in remarriage is harder than in 1st marriages though - because the bio-parent doesn't want to necessarily make their child feel on the outs, which is understandable; though neither does the stepmom (but generally no one thinks about how the stepmom feels.... Like in the "Stepmonster" book, it talks about how we have all these resources for how a child in remarriage would feel, but no one really considers all the other feelings that come into play with everyone else, esp the stepmom. Which is another subject.) So, getting back on track here... if the (re)marriage is strong (comes first), the family will be strong, even when the bumps come.

If a discussion needs to take place because of an issue that just came up, if it isn't something that needs to be in private, do it right there in front of the kid(s). It can't hurt, and it can only show them that conflict can be resolved. Not saying we (my DH and I) are perfect in this at all, because we are just learning it like many others are. But it is a step in the right direction....

We are almost 7 years into it and we are trying to learn a new system, to start now on putting our marriage first, because we started in the all too familiar cycle that so many other stepfamilies get started in with expectations of others that generally are never discussed and then don't get met, feelings coming from a thousand different directions, that don't necessarily get resolved and turn into resentment and overall bad feelings and then it turns into a negative cycle. Everyone is validated in their feelings, but nothing is really done about it. At this point in time, even though I am so sick of the "evil stepmom" black cloud overhead, I don't expect to have the kind of relationship with my SS that I hoped for in the beginning, that I thought (before marriage) was thriving and then after marriage all went downhill (for those very reasons of a thousand feelings and expectations coming from different directions). What I do expect however is for the marriage itself to be put first, that we work hard at that and everything else will be less bumpy. When things are less bumpy the conflicts that come flying at us will be a lot less harder to get through.

Reaffirmed in Our Family Portrait

2011-08-20T15:18:00.000-06:00

Just after I posted "My Teddy Bear aka Stepmom Bible", the part in this post that talks about my desire to have a family portrait of just myself, my husband, and our child - I dove back into the "Stepmonster" book by Wednesday Martin and found a similar story of another stepmom's feelings on getting a family portrait done of just her husband and their biological children. It was like just one more sense of relief that I am normal, that my feelings were normal, that I'm not as selfish as everyone thought I was to have felt like having two separate family portraits done.

This was what was in part of my post:

"I married in with no children of my own, remarried myself, and after having 5 miscarriages in my previous marriage I had little hope of having any of my own. My relationship before marriage with my SS was fantastic, after marriage I became the intruder and was misery. Eventually, I became physically ill right before each time he would come because every weekend we had him was just that - miserable. Well, a month after we married, my Dr. told me if we wanted to try and have children, now would be the time to try otherwise one of my ovaries would be taken out - as it suffered much scar tissue from having several surgeries. We were blessed to be expecting right away, though it followed with bedrest the last 6 months of pregnancy, which did not help with any possible bonding with SS. The bad feelings, resentment... I hated feeling it and I tried numerous times to work through it just for it to slap me back in the face over and over and over again. My support circle was nothing, until I came across some friends online which was a Godsend to me and they are my best friends, they saved me from the dark cloud that was constant overhead, they helped me realize that I was not alone, that the feelings I felt were much of the same feelings they were going through.

I was judged by many when I wanted to get a family portrait done with SS in it and without SS in it. It was one of those feelings that seemed to fall under the stepmonsterish feelings. I wanted him to be a part of the family, but I always felt far from what I wanted. For years, all I ever wanted was to be a mother, a mom and now I was - to MY child, so I wanted a family picture with MY child because I had a BOND with MY child. But of course, maybe you're now reading this and thinking the same thing so many others felt and probably still think that I was selfish and rude toward SS. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to go through all the feelings I felt during that time. It was hell though."

And I wish I could have found what was said in the "Stepmonster" book before I had to return it to the library to quote here. This is just one more book on my list to purchase, as it is a great reference book for me, something I can relate to, something that puts the bandaid on a big open wound. The book itself was just a huge relief to me, helped me gain some incredible insights of why I felt as I did, why SS did, why DH did, and why you feel like you're walking into hell and back several times throughout your stepfamily journey. It is a relief and tends to fill in the cracks to be able to move forward in a positive manner.

Control

2011-08-11T23:44:00.000-06:00

I have to say that I have never really stepped my mind into BM's shoes of where she is coming from until the last maybe year or so. If I were her, what might I feel sending my child to a place that is unfamiliar territory to me?

I think my biggest pet peeve is not so much in how she parents her child, as I'm sure she feels that way towards her ex, my DH as well as myself - my biggest pet peeve lies in the power struggle that seems to go on for eternity with how she feels the need to tell her son how things are going to play out or should while he is here with us. Okay, so I understand that she, as the BM wants to have that control; but I/we are just trying to have and raise a family like anyone else, I am not here to step on her toes, I am not here to replace her. I'm trying to have our own family, and somehow "blend" our family together.

I dream about how less rocky things could be if she would maybe just you know, let SS know that he can have relationship with me and it won't step on his mom's toes - taking out the loyalty bind that SS does have. I dream about how she might instill in him the importance of respecting those around him, even his stepmom, even if things are different. Different doesn't have to be bad, it is just different and we can learn to adjust. But adjusting is nearly impossibly when you continue to have the cards stacked against you with every visit.

It took me a good long while to calm my nerves to just step back and say I couldn't have control over the things she does in her household; all I have control over is what we do in ours. That has helped me break down some of the walls I have surrounded myself with and the little bit of the black cloud has moved on. I think about how many times SS comes here with the notion of how things are going to be and it makes for some disappointing times, I feel like she does that on purpose for that very reason, to put that dark cloud overhead so that maybe SS won't want to come here anymore. There are other reasons that contribute to that, but that is another story as well. I have to let my irks go about how she raises him at home, because I don't want her to have say in how we run our own household and family.

If I were the one sending my kids to dad's, I would personally feel insecure about the arrangement to some degree or another, simply because you want to always be part of their safety net in your own way and not with someone else, especially someone your ex has married and you hardly even know. So ya, I can understand that viewpoint. At the same time, the father of my kids is also a great man and I would trust him to care for them if we were divorced, but that isn't going to ever happen. But to each their own... she sees things differently, but regardless of how much she doesn't want SS's dad to have influence on him, he will and her issues with him have got to stop at some point in time... I wish. Because his dad's influence is positive, though BM would probably disagree because SS's loyalty is with BM and things between point A (our place) to point B (his home with BM) tend to get twisted into all sorts of stories. Gah.

I don't think I can talk about this right now. The whole thing just is frustrating to some degree or another. I would love for BM and myself to read "No One's the Bitch" - because you know, maybe seeing where we come from to some degree or another would be helpful in the whole sending your kid off to be with dad and stepmom. And then my own feelings that intertwine with it all as well.

First Marriage vs. Remarriage with Children

2011-08-11T00:27:00.003-06:00

I really don't understand how so many can say that first marriage and remarriage with children can be dealt with in the same manner. First marriages start out with just you and your spouse, a foundation strong (hopefully) in the beginning, a beginning to grow on together, to work out the bumps and the rocky roads between each other. You know from day one what your role is in your marriage relationship (for the most part). Along comes the children either biologically or adoption and the bond starts from day one; in essence you grow on each other from day one. Be glad you have a first marriage, build on it, work at it, smooth out the bumps and rocky roads any way you can!

Remarriage with children has issues from the start. Here you are a newly married couple, but don't have the real opportunity to put the same focus on the new marriage as first marriages do. There is a different dynamic overall with remarriage with children to one degree or another. So, from the get-go there are walls, there are expectations from everyone - sometimes unspoken, there are negative feelings from the get-go because in general as we have established the boat has been rocked and the blame is put on the stepmom. Even with things that are normal in first marriages, and really should be reasonable requests in remarriage are looked upon as unreasonable, stepping on toes, hurt feelings get in the way, change to feel included and would be good to set that balance tends to rock the boat to some degree or another.

Bonding doesn't happen overnight, sometimes never. If your spouse doesn't make it clear from the get-go that he and his new wife, the stepmom are in this marriage firmly together - that even though you may not like her, you should respect her - that discipline comes from bioparent and backed up if needs be by stepparent. I've known this for a long time.... and now just reading "Stepmonster" by Wednesday Martin, it really just opens my eyes even more to how incredibly important that the marriage in remarriage with kids needs to have more investment and time to make the stepfamily's foundation strong and start out right. One thing I love that she says about doing it this way, is that there will still be bumps along the road in stepfamilies, but when the marriage is strong and put first, those bumps along the road are bearable.

So, there is initial everything with each person on where we fit into the new family. Dad sees his wife as the bonusmom, stepchild sees the stepmom as an intruder, stepmom feels like the intruder, the party crasher, the outsider. Dad in some blended families doesn't stick up for stepmom, in fear of making their child feel less wanted or replaced; yet stepmoms get walked upon when this happens and simple requests turn into sounding like criticisms, out of place, out of character, and unreasonable. Standing there in the midst of bad behavior, no boundaries, bad manners, rudeness with no response from only the stepmom leads to the status of evil stepmom; leads to the stepmonsterish feelings within stepmoms; and leads to resentment towards husband and stepchild, and stepchild towards stepmom.

Our children see the affects even if they aren't all that aware of it at their age, it affects them to different degrees - even after SS is gone, their behavior is mirrored because of SS for 24 hrs or more. It is rather frustrating at times. There is a strong negative cycle within blended or stepfamilies if the cards aren't initially dealt right from the beginning. It doesn't mean that things can't change in the long-run of it all... I think acknowledgement from everyone, especially spouses regarding the dynamic of the family, where it came from, where it has gone, and where we want to be is a must. And then build upon it and fill in the cracks and make the marriage strong, so that our family can be strong.

There is how to balance everyone's routine, traditions, and add traditions within our own family. We can't possibly be there for everyone at every given moment of the day - esp when my SS lives an hour away from us. One of my biggest sadness' is and even our own kids' notice it as they get older, is that dad always has to leave during one of my own family traditions to either take SS home or go to pick him up; he always misses out. There is the daily ritual of privacy issues - now within marriage, bedtimes, doing outings together, etc. Every other weekend, when it is time for dad to take SS home, our kids, especially our middle child gets really upset because it upsets our own routine for bedtime - it doesn't so much bother out oldest anymore, but it did. He would cry almost the entire time that daddy was gone. There is the fact that SS is an only child until he comes to our household, and that is a lot of change right there for him. He has to get used to family life every other weekend for the very short time he is here. Not a lot of adjustment time that goes into that. Family life tends to be annoying to him when his half-siblings are playing noisy, playing with noisy toys, crying etc. A lot of emotions go into each and every task, tradition, routines at hand.

Oh there is so much more... this is just the tip of the iceberg. Balance is definitely not simple in remarriage with children.

Stepchild and Stepmom Resentment

2011-08-07T10:19:00.004-06:00

Quotes I can relate to in some degree or another from the "Stepmonster" book by Wednesday Martin:

On page 24 -- "...even if she has the smarts or the self-control to hold back, to go with the flow, to surrender to the way things are in the household for a while before coming up with a reasonable, strategic plan to change things slowly - she is likely to be resented in the first tumultuous years of becoming a stepmother. This is not only because she's a convenient screen for the kids' anger at Dad for changing the order of things." --- and then it goes into the whole conflicts of loyalty for kids towards their mother and how it affects the stepmom/stepkid relationship. "The more I try, the more he retreats," "...It is hard, thankless work to reach out to a child in a loyalty bind."

Yep, been there, done that... it also can create some resentment and frustration with doing any kind of nice or fun outings together or as a family. It is hard to be excited to go places when you already know what the outcome is going to be.

And after being rebuffed over and over again and never having any kind of bond from point A to now for years on end, sometimes you just feel like you can't try with them anymore.

On page 25 --- Wednesday talks about how many stepchildren even into their adult years are devastated that their parents will never get back together again. "Stepmom is the proof that the dream is over, and often it is held against her."

Not too long ago, there was about a full year or so where SS was determined that his dad and his mom were going to hook up. So much that while my DH was trying to find a new job, that SS was determined that he was going to get a job where his mom worked. I don't think that SS even has a memory of his parents being together, as they split up before he was even 2 yrs old (He is 12 now). He pushed me more and more away, was more rude to me than normal and so on. He was excited about the prospect that his mom and dad (and even though is mom had been remarried for years now as well) just might get back together if he could pull the strings. What SS fails to realize is that even if he tore DH and I apart, which isn't going to happen, but if he did, his dad and mom will never get back together again. Which doesn't help with him having any warm and fuzzy feelings towards me.

I can understand his want to have the two people he loves the most in his life full-time.

Again on page 25 --- Wednesday says "And what about us? It certainly can be disorienting to realize that the most important development of your life, a relationship that you perhaps feel you cannot live without, is shattering another person's dream." Wednesday goes onto talk about how when she and her now husband told his girls they were going to get married, they cried.

When we told SS, his response was perfectly fine, or so it seemed. The interesting thing is, he is angry to this day at his dad because for whatever reason (maybe he blocked out that moment, I don't know)... but he believes that dad or we never told him about us getting married. That dad just picked him up the day we were getting married and he found out that way... but that wasn't the case at all. DH talked to him about the idea of it several times, and we both formally sat down with him and told him. But because he doesn't remember any of that, those are some harsh feelings he is holding within his heart, which turns into resentment on his own part towards us and the cycle continues.

Standards

2011-08-05T10:43:00.005-06:00

So, as I have been reading the "Stepmonster" book, I have realized that no matter who you are - we all have our own standards for not only ourselves, but each other to some degree or another. Standards are good, but not when people, those especially close to you send judgement comments and misunderstandings your way without understanding themselves of what and why you are going through this or that. Caring to understand is good; listening with empathy is good; though if not in your own experience of stepfamily or blended family life you won't truly understand where your friend or family member is coming from, but trying is a good move in the right direction.

Ourselves come from doing what we know and can to not become what so many talk about as the wicked or evil stepmother. Yet we ourselves have no idea what we get ourselves into until we experience what most stepmothers experience and what Sue Johnson refers to in the "Stepmonster" book as "stepmonsterish" feelings come and come so intensely. That doesn't mean because you feel these things that you are an evil stepmom though, but people sure portray you as that. And is exactly why stepmotherhood is very confusing and brings on a whole plethora of emotions that you thought wasn't in you. Like along the lines of what Sue Johnson said, you are a different person before stepmotherhood, but once you start to experience the inevitable "stepmonsterish" feelings, you change in a lot of ways. I personally feel tainted;, that would be the word I have described to fellow-stepmom friends of how I have felt over the years.

Others have expectations/standards of just how we should be towards our stepkids. Perhaps being on the outside of the glass looking in, it looks as if we truly are those evil stepmothers so many movies portray... amongst so many other things. I was just thinking the other day that I have had a handful of comments practically shoved down my throat because of lack of understanding on their part. They see what they see and that is the end of the story, they simply shape and sculpt you from what they see and don't bother to find out what is going on, why, why stepfamilies/blended families go through these things.... You know, it isn't like I or we are singled out and the only one dealing with such emotions and turbulent rollercoasters - that would be one thing, but we are not and should that not have some significant roll in changing the standards of others who look at us? This isn't some unknown occurrence (though to others outside looking in it is, I suppose) - this is what stepfamily/blended families go through to some degree or another. There are the very few exceptions out there, and more power to them... how blessed that they are.

Taking the judgement out and understanding you're not the in the same shoes and your way of solving may be traditional in many families, but not something that is so easy to apply in non-traditional families, in fact, it is very different. There are a thousand questions to consider from every angle, and there is not one right or wrong decision out there, some decisions are simply better than others, but to find that balance is never an easy one and nearly impossible 100% of the time. Every person in blended families comes from different backgrounds, their relationships start differently, the bond is different or there may not ever be a bond (stepkids/stepparents have a different relationship than bio-children or adopted children). And what about if you and your DH now has children together, do they not count in all this? I'll have to touch on that one in another post, but they are in this journey to some degree or another just like everyone else. Every ex situation is different, some might be in a good mesh with one another, others might be having a power struggle, others might be literally out to get you and now the new family, others might be the "dead-beat dad or the dead-beat mom"... There is the stepchild(ren) who live full-time with dad and stepmom, or mom and stepdad, or half-time... you don't know if you don't ask, and you don't know what we or others are going through and why we do what we do if you don't ask. Feelings simply come from several different angles... we deal with these the best we know how at the time and we live and learn. How about the divorce decree? Do you even understand that some divorced parents go by it to the "T" and for many reasons. You might be having loyalty-binding issues with your stepchild with his mom (issues that can turn your whole world upside down - no matter what you do (as nice as you can be or not), you are damned to some degree or another. It makes trying to have a good time with your SS into walking on eggshells all of the time, resentment comes into play, and frustration, and hence a hard time to have any kind of bonding moments.

For example, SS can have a great time here, but turn around and lie about it. He can choose something here, but then whine and complain about it at home. For instance, vacations were fun, but as soon as one tiny thing goes wrong the glass is half-empty and all hell breaks lose for him and/or the whining, the sickness suddenly comes into play as soon as he is on his way home, and the lies start to roll off his tongue... and we wait for the phone call of the portrayal of how nasty we have been and so now he has to be sent back to his therapist. He knows how to get attention from his mom, and he will do it in every negative manner there is even if it bites us in the butt. Or the sleepovers on vacations with cousins that are on the floor or at cousins houses or his choosing to sleep on the floor rather than the hide-a-bed or couch even - HE CHOSE; he has no choice anymore why? Because he turned that one around and lied to mom about how he was "made" to sleep on the floor and we end up in court $4000 later over him choosing but portraying us in making him sleep on the floor or having sleepovers on the floor - you know because that is what you do with sleepovers, but somehow the world revolves around him in his opinion and life should stop for everyone else too. So lets dig into this a little deeper... People have judged us for not allowing him to come on certain vacations, that we are depriving him of these outings and so on. 1. my DH has a decree with his ex, his ex is strict when it comes to the decree for the most part, and fly-by outings or vacations if we don't have him for that scheduled time is simply just that, we don't have him. 2. we have a family of our own and routines of our own as well, schedules for SS are better for everyone, so we all know what to expect as well. Its important that everyone has time with each other. 3. he is not allowed for some outings because he bit himself in the butt over that one, because simply we don't have $4000 every time he gets some whim to lie to his mom and for her to get some idea up her butt to take us to court. It ended in our favor, but even then, we don't have $4000 every time a whim comes up.

That is just one example out of millions of what we go through. Want to jump in our shoes for a lifetime? Great for standards, but not if you're going to judge and bring your loved ones down to the depths of hurting them by not trying to understand because they are already feeling like they are in hell, they don't need to be stepped on any more than the standards others portray them as or as they should be. There is no "should be" in blended families or stepfamilies.

Child Support

2011-08-02T10:29:00.000-06:00

Wow, this will always I think be a touchy subject for us, for most stepmoms I've talked to or been friends with.

Child Support (CS)

CS invokes such negative feelings within me that this will be a hard subject for me to bring up. Now, don't get me wrong, I think every child should have CS; but the laws IMO should change to some degree or another with how CS is dealt with and how much CS is given.

One of my biggest pet peeves is to hear SS say to us "my mom cannot afford me any clothes.... so I wear holes in my socks, my clothes don't fit, I ran out of shorts to wear...." blah, blah blah. A statement like that evokes boiling frustration within.

Why?

Because for a long time, we did get him clothes even here at our home and he flat-out refused to wear it, which I know I felt much disappointment in and hurt. Later I learned that it was largely due to his extreme loyalty to his mom. If clothes were given to him by others outside the family, he'd wear them because with loyalty issues it is between bio-mom and stepmom, like in his mind if he cares about his stepmom, he is being disloyal to his mom, yet he can have fun or get things here and like it and then turn around and tell her all crazy stories about what didn't ever happen just to get the attention from his mom, just to be "loyal" to her. And because clothes we sent home with him always got tossed.

Because a huge chunk of money comes out every month out of DH's paychecks that is sent directly to BM. Because the amount of money she is sent is more than what we would pay every month on one child. So yes, sometimes I feel like our kids are being jipped because so much is going towards SS.

Because that money is never being spent where it needs to be spent. And while I know that some households probably get along just fine with providing the needs of their children without it being a battle field, there are many where it is just that - a battle field or in our case a silent one because nothing we say matters to BM. I wish that the laws somehow could be changed in that the other parent could have a say in how it is spent on their child; or that instead of income sent, that the money comes in form of a card that can be spent only on allowable items for that particular child (an allowance for clothing, for school needs, for activities - such as swimming classes, a summer program etc.)

Because while this CS is being sent to BM, we continue to struggle financially. We are doing what we can to change our lot in life here financially, but I'll tell you that I am not the only one that has felt the financial burden that comes from the huge chunk of CS that comes out monthly.

Part of the CS laws I think should change is that if I matter in how much I make in regards to CS or a court review, then so should stepdad. Why do I matter, but not stepdad? Why does his income not count? I just find that rather inconsiderate and extremely not fair.

Recently, SS came here and found that we have shorts here if he needs them. They have been hand-me-downs from long ago. His statement to us was "wow! I didn't know I had shorts, I am out at home!" Both DH and I said, those stay here when you need them. Later, I said that if he needs shorts his mom can get them for him. Later after that, on the way taking him home DH said that he didn't like the way I said it. Okay, so I can definitely apologize to him, but I think he 1. needs to speak up when there is something he isn't liking and 2. for us to be able to clarify and help him understand where those statements come from in the here and now and not 2 weeks later when he comes back.

Now that we are getting on a better road with our family, I think it is important that we discuss this. Forever, whenever SS has brought up his lack of what he does not have at home, but DH and I have had frustrated and angry feelings towards this. I think SS is old enough to know (though I am sure we've told him before) that his dad sends a lot of money each month to his mom to provide those needs for him. I also think for myself anyway, I need SS to be more mindful of his these types of comments. Ya, don't tell me I am the adult here because guess what, even adults have emotions and feelings and I am so sick and tired of hearing this crap and having bad feelings once again over and over again over this. I would prefer that he never say his mom can't afford things for him when she darn well can. If he needs something, and the needs are not being met, then he needs to come to dad and tell him so that dad can hopefully talk to BM about the situation. That would be more positive than to hit us in the face over and over again about how he is lacking in clothes, he has to wear holes in his clothes because BM can't afford and blah blah blah. I am done with it, so we will start a new chapter with this, I hope.

How We Speak - Walking on Eggshells

2011-08-01T10:48:00.000-06:00

Over the years we have tried to include SS as a whole into our family. Many times over the years a question of how we speak while he is here has come up, but had put us in a position of walking on eggshells all of the time, and would have never been fair to our own kids. I'm talking about how when SS is not here with us, life goes on, we do things with our family and at times conversations come up where we talk about such things even when SS is here, just as SS talks about things that he does at his home.

It has been pointed out to us through some, who are on the outside of the box looking in that doing such things is rude to SS; like we are rubbing it in his face that we did this and you didn't. We aren't purposely bringing up subjects from our home when he is not here on purpose. For a long time I personally questioned this back and forth a thousand plus times; I felt so sick and tired of tip-toeing around our life, walking on eggshells, which eventually resulted in feeling more isolated and feeling resentment yet again. Here, I just wanted to have a family like anyone else and shouldn't have to feel like every word that comes out of our mouth might stomp all over SS. The world does not revolve around SS. Life doesn't stop because SS is visiting. Life goes on, and we share what we can with him when he is here, and if things come up that we have done, and he has not been able to do - he has got to realize (after obviously a discussion from DH and I on his part regarding this - not just by himself) is that we live in separate households, if he goes on vacation or does some outing with his mom - we are not there with him, just as he is not with us on occasions. It is a part of the split-family life.

I realize that in general, people talk to one another with respect; as we do with SS and those around us, however pretending like we do nothing around here is not very realistic or fair for our own children to be hush-hush when they are excited about something or excited to tell SS or whatever. There are plenty of times SS will tell us things he does at his home, or vacations he is going on or has been on and that is okay as our life should be as well. No one is leaving SS out, though I'm sure some would argue with that - the thing is, we have a "schedule" if you want it call it that with SS, through a divorce decree and maybe some divorce situations - exes are more lenient and so on, but every situation is different and realizing that instead of judging another would go along way! We have SS very little each month, some of that is from our own doing to protect our own kids, the ones we have full-time from situations that came up that have affected them.

I would just like people to realize that we are not so awful as you may think we or maybe others are in how we live our lives or how much SS or their own steps are included into the family. We are just as much trying to have a family of our own, again including everyone when we can. Just because we have a vacation this week or an outing this day doesn't mean that suddenly SS can come, because we simply do not have him that week or that day for an outing. It doesn't again, mean that we are purposely leaving him out. And living life on a hush-hush basis is rather stressful and unrealistic - try it sometime for a week and see how that makes you feel or your own family. Then maybe, just maybe you'd get a glimpse at the whole life goes on, life doesn't stop just because...

Becoming a Stepmother

2011-07-29T00:30:00.004-06:00

Again, I am back to quoting "Stepmonster" and sharing some of my own thoughts as we go along...

Part 1

Wednesday talks about her own struggles of fitting into the very household itself. How many couples, to set the balance do a little rearranging or redecorating.

Well, that was near impossible with where we were living the first year of our marriage, and a smaller place than where I had just been living. A basement 1 bedroom apartment. I practically put all my stuff in storage, which will always haunt me to this day I think because the week we were moving it out, was also the week that someone broke into my storage unit and stole things that I should have never put in there, things that I can never replace. It will forever break my heart. So, anyway, setting the balance in "our" household was not really happening. I think the only thing I brought there was my futon, I honestly don't remember anything else. I just dealt with it, tried to not really think about it, but never setting that kind of balance tends to throw you off.and that tacked on to the rest, well this kind of sums it up...

"Like a lot of women who become stepmothers, I was trying to block out the stress, trying to make a peaceful place. Because stepfamily life is chaotic, confusing, and exhausting, especially in the beginning. One woman I know likened it to being thrown into the ocean during a storm. "Everybody screams, 'Swim!' and walks away from you,' she said with a laugh. Another woman compared stepmothering to "setting up housekeeping on an ice floe." The analogies of trying not to drown and slipping on a constantly moving, inhospitable surface are apt. The pressures on women who partner with men who have children - blend, to love, to come together, to fix it, to take the high road, to put his kids first, to have a sense of humor in the face of repeated rebuffs - are overwhelming. Perhaps the most intense pressure of all is to win his kids over. Our husbands love them. We hope we will love them. We hope they will love us. But everybody knows that nobody wants a stepmother."

"Just as our stepchildren do not choose us, we do not choose them. They are incidental and, if we ar lucky, also supplemental, a kind of add-on to the man we love.... Regardless of what we hope for, the relationship with our stepchildren always tarts from this mutual lack of choosing. They are as unessential to us as we are to them, accidental even. It is not exactly an auspicious beginning for a story. The story does not always end badly, of course. But for the majority of women, the ones who find stepmothering difficult, it may be helpful - even a tremendous relief - to get the unhappy truths about that difficulty on the table."

Yes it would! To be able to have effective communication with your spouse from the get-go would be amazing! To be able to relay what we stepmothers feel without feeling like we are walking on eggshells, and having your spouse really care and listen to it so that we can make sound decisions with the blending over the next "X" amount of years would be SO helpful!

Perhaps your spouse or even loved ones (extended family or close friends) is just as confused as you are, but really has no idea what you are going through, nor does he maybe think he should understand because you are the adult... deal with it better. I hate that phrase, I really do, because I have told myself that a thousand times and it just doesn't make it better, it takes our feelings completely out of the picture. We aren't selfish human beings, we feel like any other human does, and being a stepmom is incredibly difficult!

I think about how many times this reality comes to play in many stepmothers feelings - so I am not the only one out there, we stepmoms are not along in these incredible intense feelings we go through. There has to be something to that right?

",,,it's no real surprise that when wives of men with children and those children come together, regardless of our good intentions, we are on a collision course of sorts." "Patricia Papernow, a leading stepfamily expert, explains. "The challenge then is to transfer the seat of decision making and intimacy from the parent-child dyad to the couple dyad. And that can be a lot of work."

It may be a lot of work, but if we would have even started on a better foot, I think overall things could have been and could be better. Again, I'll go back to the whole we didn't have the tools necessary or know-how to come together because a second family/stepfamily is so different than your traditional family - it comes together so differently and cannot be expected to come together as a traditional family does. While we probably were naive in this department of thinking it would do just that, it was early on that I knew with a thousand questions of how this or that will affect SS, how it will affect our relationship, where do I fit when he comes because he wants to see you, not me and how do we help him with his lack of self-image, self-esteem, self-confidence when we have him for so little time, how do I bond, how can we help him not be the outsider when we have our child, his half-sibling. How can we help him to have a glass is half-full attitude... these are just a glimpse of some of the questions I had....

While changes needed to be made, while I needed this, we needed this, and our overall household needed this - me doing it alone was never a good idea, but DH was never all that comfortable with knowing how to put those changes into effect... One of the things I fell in love with, effective communication with DH all but flew out the door when it came to issues or questions or changes in our family. It was overwhelming for all of us.

"When I was eleven and you showed up, I didn't want Dad to be with anybody. I didn't think he should have a girlfriend!" The sense that you are taking something away, detracting from the amiable situation that Dad and kids have finally worked out after already adjusting to a divorce, is there no matter how kind you are." --- "I had my dad all to myself and then you came along, and I felt like I was losing him," my stepdaughter explained simply. "It was like you stole him away." You want romance; they want all the attention. Nobody's in the wrong here, but it can be remarkably difficult to strike a balance."

Completely agree. DH always thought of me as a "bonusmom" in the beginning, even after SS said to me one day after we married was that "before I came along, dad was fun!" DH felt like SS maybe didn't know what he was talking about - but he really did, I knew he did, because I was the intruder, I was trying to find my niche, be involved, be a part of something special... and all I seemed to do was ruin his time with his dad. He didn't want a stepmom... He and I were fine before I became a stepmom, adding me to the family was, as far as he was concerned a big mistake. And who can blame him, but it doesn't make it easy either.

"From the perspective of the woman with stepchildren, being shoved to the side eight or ten or a hundred times is hard to ignore. And her understanding of what the kids are going through becomes tinged with resentment the longer he partner pretends that none of this is happening. By ignoring problems with his kids' behavior and adjustment - a disease to which every father who divorces and re-partners seems prone - he leave the woman in an unenviable position, with a few equally unappealing options: she can fend for herself, feeling unsupported; tell the man something about his child that he may hear as criticism; or go silent."

Yep. This was me. I put myself in the position of doing all three, mostly the first two "...she can fend for herself, feeling unsupported; tell the man something about his child that he may hear as criticism..." - this has caused some resentment in myself over a period of time, which I have tried to work through and am doing better... but especially now that we are just now really connecting better.

"Stepmothers become the bad guys in the family system quickly."

"As for the kids, there are new household rules, new household members, changes in the usual routines - all of which seem custom designed to incite confusion, insecurity, and hostility in a child. Feeling threatened by the changes, the kids will surely respond by making it clear that you are the outsider, the interloper, and they are the ones who belong here with Daddy. After all, experts point out, it's so much easier for his children to be angry at expendable, unnecessary Stepmom, to blame her for changes, than to confront beloved Dad or process the fact that they're mad at him too.... [this can] create a sense that Dad is somehow a passive and torn criticism caught in the middle as his wife and child battle it out. In fact, by not making ti clear to his kids that Stepmom is here to stay and working with her to form a coalition, Dad may actually be orchestrating much of the household tension in these initial stages of stepfamily formation."

DH and I have talked about these very things we've read in this book together and realize where we messed up, where we should have come together better, why SS felt as he did, why I felt as I did, and why DH felt as he did. We are in essence all to blame for the lack of blending well. Though, even any stepfamily is going to have rocky moments, I think ours was just extra-rocky. And because of the lack-of so much for all these years, I still continue to have "stepmonsterish" feelings at times. Sometimes I just feel done, and I would like to take my kids some of the time somewhere else while SS is here - but then thoughts of not being fair to the other kids - not to seeing their half-brother would be not good on my part. At the same time, it would give back some of his one-on-one time with dad. At the same time, I don't want to feel pushed out of my own home either and turn around and feel resentment towards it. No matter what the situation is with SS, our own full-time family - there are always numerous questions and thoughts and feelings that you would never have to consider in a traditional family. It has been and it still is really hard. In many areas, I am better, and other areas I am not. But as always, I/we push forward.

My Teddy Bear aka Stepmom Bible

2011-07-27T22:14:00.001-06:00

I am so engrossed into the Stepmonster book by Wednesday Martin, that I have had little time to reflect my thoughts here. I'd like to pull a few of the quotes from the book that really hit home with me - though that may be something hard to do because the whole book vibrates everything I have felt and dealt with to some degree or another. Of course, I'll reflect on the thoughts and feelings as I read through as well...

I referred this book in my past post as my teddy bear... Buckeye Bonusmom on Facebook commented on how many stepmoms refer this book as their bible. Ya, that sums it up right about there... I so need to purchase this book for my little comfort blanket.

In the introduction, Wednesday says this:

"And I had no idea. Not because everything was fine - from the very first moment, things hadn't been fine exactly - but because I had my head placed firmly in the sand. I wanted this thing to work. I wanted a wedding and a happy ending, and I was going to ignore everything and anything I had to in order to make it happen."

For me personally, I don't think I even really thought about the "stepmom syndrome" - the bad talk of stepmoms, and all that goes along with it, and why and the crappy fairy tales of evil stepmoms and how much of a role that has on people's thinking towards stepmoms - now those fairy tales are like crazy tales for me and demeaning and I don't want them in our household.

I am not sure if I have even said it before, but one of our biggest problems was is that we just didn't have the knowledge of the tools necessary in blending our stepfamily together - like it would just maybe all work out, but that was far from the truth and I knew it early on.

Another quote from the introduction:

"I was nice; I was fun; I was young(ish). Step-hell was for stepmonsters, and I wasn't going there. Until I was."

That pretty much sums it up.

Wednesday goes onto say about how she wrote "this book about women with stepchildren, for women with stepchildren, because being a woman with stepchildren is not easy." She notes "E. Mavis Hetherington, Ph.D,, psychologist and author of the landmark, three-decade Virginia Longitudinal Study of 1400 families that divorced and remarried, notes that whereas children frequently come to appreciate having a stepfather - particularly if he brings in income, provides companionship to Mom, and proves to be a friend to the child - "the situation with stepmothers is more difficult and stepchild resentment is more intense." "And this state of affairs is more ore less unavoidable. As Hetherington writes, "even those [women] who would like to be less involved [in running the family] rarely have the chance. They are often expected to be nurturers to already difficult and suspicious children [and] to impose some kind of order on the household, which is angrily and bitterly resented by many stepchildren." Heatherington found "a real demonizing of the stepmother" in situations where the husband did not support his wife's efforts to parent and discipline, and where the husband's ex treated her as a rival and was highly involved in the children's lives and their father's household."

Now, I am not here to berate and belittle my DH. Our journey like many others has been very hard for several reasons. I am not saying I am perfect, I am not pointing blame - though all of us contributed to how it started, where it went, and where we are at now. We are moving forward and we are learning and that is what is most important. I am sharing my thoughts here because I want to be able to reach out to others who are struggling, who need a lift and realize that they are very normal for the feelings they have and are going through. There was a time where I was shocked even at the feelings I was having in the midst of my stepmotherhood. It was so not me, at the same time I felt like my stepmotherhood was tainting who I was and who I stood for and what I wanted to be. So please keep that in mind when I share some thoughts here. I love my DH dearly, and I love my family dearly and if I didn't I don't know how I could remotely survive the hell that stepmoms go through. So I press forward.

I never wanted to be the one that disciplined my SS, rather I wanted to be the one that was the back-up for DH in these matters. Not only did it not every fair well with SS, and why should it? It was one of the stepping stones to a rocky start of our stepfamily blending and any kind of bond that I might have with SS. Of course, his mom didn't help with those matters either. In the very beginning, I was trying to find my niche - but was always unable to, I was isolated, I was not part of the family - though I tried, it was like no big deal to DH because in his eyes I was simply a bonus mom, but in SS's eyes now that we were married I was the intruder. His behavior was bad, and bad towards me, but no one ever stuck up for me except me. We are all seeing the effects of this through the years and down the road - resentment on everyone's part, the continued behavioral issues etc. Oh but then there is BM who wants us to not have any kind of relationship with SS and does everything in her power to make it miserable for us to deal with SS, to have any kind of bond with him. Revving him up for things that she says will happen in our household, which are totally unrealistic, and when they don't happen the glass is half-empty always. When things are good here, and he goes home and shares that, she suddenly calls on us and acts like something terrible happened and she has to send him to his therapist - making it seem like there is something wrong with him. When things are good here, the loyalty bind comes into play and he turns around and tells things that are not so... making us/me look bad. I stopped altogether buying him clothing for here unless it was for church because he flat-out refused to wear anything we/I bought him. Again, a loyalty thing with his mom... Yet others outside the box judge me/us and think that we are not providing, that he is suffering from not getting things. Oh he is getting plenty, from us and from his mom, though I wish the CS we send to her, we have a say in how that is spent on SS. And now I am getting side-tracked here. That is easy to do when there is SO much.

"But the stepmonster, it seems, is a uniquely female hybrid. She is easy to hate; she is pervasive in the culture (including our collective unconscious); and we are petrified of becoming her. Often we turn ourselves inside out to avoid it or berate ourselves for having feelings that strike us as "stepmonsterish." It is no shock, then, that several studies find that stepmothers have the most problematic role in the "family" and experience significant adjustment difficulties."

"Yet stepfamily life, remarriage with children - whatever you want to call it - has been largely viewed through the prism of its repercussions and emotional effects on the children. Books on the subject tell women how their stepchildren feel, what their stepchildren need and want, and how they can help their stepchildren to adjust to and accept their father's remarriage." This is tremendously helpful - it can only improve matters to know where his kids are coming from and to have confirmation that it is all more or less normal. But where, we are likely to wonder at some point is the stuff about stepmothers and how we feel? That is more difficult to find. And friends, however well-intentioned and sympathetic, aren't always a lot of help either. None of mine had stepkids, for example, and so, like the how-tos I finally picked up when the going got rough, they tended to advise things that felt maddeningly child-centric and unreasonable - even impossible. How for example, could I possibly be expected to always think about the kids when they weren't mine and their mere presence sometimes seemed enough to tear my relationship apart? ...."

I married in with no children of my own, remarried myself, and after having 5 miscarriages in my previous marriage I had little hope of having any of my own. My relationship before marriage with my SS was fantastic, after marriage I became the intruder and was misery. Eventually, I became physically ill right before each time he would come because every weekend we had him was just that - miserable. Well, a month after we married, my Dr. told me if we wanted to try and have children, now would be the time to try otherwise one of my ovaries would be taken out - as it suffered much scar tissue from having several surgeries. We were blessed to be expecting right away, though it followed with bedrest the last 6 months of pregnancy, which did not help with any possible bonding with SS. The bad feelings, resentment... I hated feeling it and I tried numerous times to work through it just for it to slap me back in the face over and over and over again. My support circle was nothing, until I came across some friends online which was a Godsend to me and they are my best friends, they saved me from the dark cloud that was constant overhead, they helped me realize that I was not alone, that the feelings I felt were much of the same feelings they were going through.

I was judged by many when I wanted to get a family portrait done with SS in it and without SS in it. It was one of those feelings that seemed to fall under the stepmonsterish feelings. I wanted him to be a part of the family, but I always felt far from what I wanted. For years, all I ever wanted was to be a mother, a mom and now I was - to MY child, so I wanted a family picture with MY child because I had a BOND with MY child. But of course, maybe you're now reading this and thinking the same thing so many others felt and probably still think that I was selfish and rude toward SS. I can't tell you how hard it was for me to go through all the feelings I felt during that time. It was hell though.

Oh I once was asked by a family member why I didn't always put SS's name on the birthday cards... I don't really have an solid answer to that question. Sometimes I simply didn't think about it to tell you the truth, other times writing his name was just simply hard for me to do with everything that tacked onto his name. I know... don't say it - I've heard it a thousand times and I have told myself a thousand times "I am the adult. Be the adult." Ya okay, I'd like YOU to go through all that I have gone through, all that we have gone through and then you come to me and tell me how that feels when people say that to you. You kind of just lose yourself in all the drama.

That was the first time and the last time that I had a professional portrait done of just our family. I know, does that just provoke bad feelings in you when I say that too? Because SS IS a part of the family or should be or I should look at it that way... I have always included him, always tried to include him in everything. He on the other hand doesn't always feel inclined to be a part of it because he is still stuck in the mode of wanting to just be with dad... and again who could blame him? Oh but try having him try and tear you and his dad apart, in hopes that his mom and his dad will get back together. That would never happen, even if we were torn apart. It has been years since they separated, both is mom and dad are remarried - but children, no matter their age have the downfall of not being able to choose whether their parents divorce or not. They get the brunt of it all... and of course he is going to want the two people he loves the most to be together... So, the cycle continues and feelings from one direction to another continues and we move forward.

The book explores the "issue of how children can threaten and stress a marriage..." It goes onto say "...that stepchildren have incredibly power to break the remarriage up. They may intentionally create divisiveness between spouses and siblings and set parent against steparent. They also may pass along unkind messages or invite interference from member of the other household, creating conflict and tremendous resentment."

"Acknowledging the simple fact that stepchildren can and do affect a remarriage, sometimes for the worse- that they are, if you will, actors as well as acted upon - can help us better understand what we might call "stepmother reality" Wednesday goes onto to say: "I believe that we tend to sweep the stepmother's difficulties under the rug because they strike us as unseemly. Her pain, struggles, and failures set us on edge, make us want to turn away, because they smack of guilt. A stepmother's suffering is, more than anything else, an indictment - of her. Ad admission not so much that she is falling short as that she is flawed. Thinking we understand it, we decide there is nothing more to learn - "Anna's stepmother is awful!" "If the stepmom is nice, everything will be fine; if there are problems, it's because she's not trying hard enough" - and so we are left to comprehending very little. Disliking stepmothers is easy; suspecting them is more or less automatic. Caring about stepmothers, expressing concern about what they're going through, considering their realty at any length - all this requires a leap of faith."

All I have ever asked of anyone who just doesn't get it, who has judged, who has never bothered to ask but talks behind my back is to ASK. Simply care and ask why we do what we do, why I have felt this way or that way, why... You have NO idea what we've been through unless you ask, you think you could do it better? Trying stepping in my reality. Just try.

I feel like the judgements are a dark cloud from others hanging over my head, diminishing my capabilities in their eyes, diminishing my judgement in their eyes, and always questioning. Perhaps in many eyes I am just not true like they thought I was, like I was before I became a stepmother. It's like even though I haven't done anything to you, it still affects you personally, like I have walked all over you because of what I have gone through.

Oh I can totally relate to this:

"...our bonds to our biological and adopted children are different - stronger - than those to our stepchildren."

Someone asked me once why do I even put "step" in front of child. Because he is, because the bond is different, because he doesn't live with us, because the time he is here it is for a limited amount of time, and the majority of that time is tension related... I could go on and on, but I won't.

"It is time, then, for radical reconsideration of what we might realistically expect women with stepchildren to feel, think, and accomplish. For example, we cannot always make our husbands' children love or even like us. Sometimes the feeling may be mutual, and it is time to strip away the veil of distorting sentiment about "female nature" and "the inherent openness of children toward all good women" that have thus far compelled and confounded us on this topic."

AMEN!

STEPMOM BILL OF RIGHTS

2011-07-24T00:39:00.000-06:00

I saw this on Stepmom Central via Facebook today and had to share it.

STEPMOM BILL OF RIGHTS

1. I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2. People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3. I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4. I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5. I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6. I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7. Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8. I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9. My husband and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10. Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together

Introduction ~ Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, Ph. D

2011-07-23T17:26:00.002-06:00

It's been a long while before I or anyone for that matter posted anything on this blog. I think it is time to rev it back up. This last year has been a trialing year for me for more than just our stepfamily journey, but I have had some discoveries along the way that I feel inclined to share here as I continue on this journey.

Currently I am reading a book called Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin, Ph.D. I am through the introduction and half way through the 1st chapter and I am engrossed by this book in more ways than one. Here I sit almost 7 years into our stepfamily and I am just now reading this book... though 7 years ago or throughout the 7 years I never knew that this book existed. I wish I had read it a long time ago!

A few weeks into our marriage I thought I was going crazy... with all the walls I kept coming up against, with the feelings I was experiencing - oh thank goodness for stepmom friends who understood me to the "T" otherwise I probably would have been in shambles. But here I sit almost 7 years later and feeling some of the same feelings as before because nothing was ever dealt with properly, because we didn't as individuals or as a couple or as a stepfamily have the necessary tools or know-how to "blend" properly. Here I sit reading Stepmonster feeling a whirlwind of emotions - I can completely and totally relate; and that gives me great comfort. At the same time, I feel frustrated and angry that it has been 7 years later and I am just now reading this book that I needed to read to find comfort and solace and perhaps help my husband understand where I really am coming from. Oh not to mention I wish the rest of people in my life who have judged me as a stepmom in what I did or didn't do in their eyes would read this most precious book that I just want to now hold as a teddy bear in bed with me.

Wow. First I would like to thank Wednesday Martin who wrote this book, with the insights that possibly every stepmom faces to some degree or another. Thank you Wednesday for showing me yet again that I am a person who matters just as much as everyone else does, that I am not crazy for the feelings I have felt, and for showing me why I have felt the feelings I have been feeling, and thank you for having this as a resource so I can share with my husband who now wants to learn about what I have gone through, and what stepmoms in general go through, so that we can even 7 yrs later make some positive changes.

This post is going to be one of many, because I'd really like to share my thoughts and feelings as I navigate through this incredible book. So before I get ahead of my reading and posting here, lets swing back to the Introduction.

It is always heart wrenching to read about the statistics of remarriage and the fail rate of them, but toss in kids to the mixture and the stats for the fail rate go up. And rightfully so with all the feelings that each individual person experiences. But no one seems to really goes there... until its too late... or you realize how it all intertwines with everything else in the marriage, in the family and then where do you start to turn things around?

Remembering back... in the beginning before marriage was even mentioned, my relationship to my now stepson (SS) was great! When he was visiting his dad on the every other weekend, we loved hanging out together, it was fun, we laughed, we played, we had a good time. Then marriage changed all of that. And all the dynamics that go in with that never really was considered - I have over the last 7 years have cried my eyes out, gone to hell and back with not only our stepfamily, but the judgements from others who just simply don't understand or care to try and understand, and then not really understanding fully the why in it all until I have recently read some books, gotten involved in other support groups and have come to some discoveries and realizations that answer those why's.

I am grateful that DH is listening and he is doing his best to hear me out, as he knows that understanding my position where it is now, why it is, what it should have been will ultimately help us to come together and make decisions together. Not only that, I am grateful that he is learning about this because I don't feel so alone in it anymore.

I almost feel like I am in mourning though, so much has been lost - between my feeling isolated in the beginning, trying to figure out my role instead of being shoved into something that just jump-started the resentment between everyone to the walls that formed early on.... I could go on and on. Though at the same time, what we have experienced seems to be the "norm" since SO many families go through it to some degree or another.

Situations that were normal for dad and stepson were not normal for me. I didn't fit into the mesh of things, and I was trying in every way. The first realization of not fitting in was the resentment that SS clarified to me as we sat at the park having a picnic, watching dad fly his kite was; "Everything was fun until you came along." Huh? But, WE did have fun.... DH's comment to me was that he didn't know what he was talking about, that he didn't know what he had, that I was like a bonus to him. But SS did know what he had, he had lost something that was important to him - time with just him and his dad and I was the invader. I think in those early days, though not knowing it, the emotions all wrapped up into one ball was tearing at the very core of everything good and tearing us apart in more ways than one.

It wasn't my place to establish boundaries, but there needed to be something. At least I had the need to have some privacy and sense of oneness with my now new husband; and just general boundaries - like when we went to sleep, manners towards people (which all but disappeared in SS esp towards me, but no one stood up for me except myself which only made those bad feelings between the both of us worse). The more I engaged for boundaries, the more DH disengaged, the more I had to put myself in a position that created the monster in the dreaded stepmom figure, which all but made having any kind of bond was near impossible. Oh but there was more to it, it was like marriage flipped a switch in SS's mom too - suddenly I became the bad person in everything, though she is too remarried, SS's loyalty bind was very clear to his mom, which is fine, but not when she and he both make great strides to make our household a living hell. I was never out to get her or win him over his mom, I just wanted a household of our own, a place where we all could come together and have a haven from the troubled waters of the world itself, only we were in troubled waters from the get-go and the safe haven was that far off island, oh a speck through a telescope, something intangible and something too far away to hold onto.

The very person who I knew I was, was slipping away. Later down the road and to this day I would call it tainted. I feel tainted as a person in general, and a mom to our now 3 kids. Tainted from the troubled waters. I wanted to be that better stepparent, but being alone in the process is impossible to do just that. Now we start a new chapter almost 7 years into it - at least the process is now starting and will start going somewhere positive, even if I never have that relationship with my stepson I wanted, at least my husband and I can be on the same page and that will be a huge weight off my shoulders.

Most of all, reading this book, I am find a sense of relief.

Bitterness and Grudges from Birth Moms Towards Blended Families

2010-10-15T20:02:00.000-06:00

Here is an article that I had published that you might be interested in reading.

Bitterness and Grudges from Birth Moms Towards Blended Families

This is something we have dealt with from day one.... So frustrating!

Please No Judging Blended Families

2010-05-20T14:08:00.000-06:00

I haven't been posting here as much as I would like to. I did however, publish another article on Associated Content called "Please No Judging Blended Families."

I think this is an issue that many of my fellow stepmom friends have dealt with before. A recent incident fueled my fire to want to write about it. Please have a gander at the article.

LDS Living Magazine

2010-01-26T19:03:00.000-07:00

Parenting a Blended Family

by Dr. Elia Gourgouris

This is our second marriage, and we both have very different parenting styles. How do we avoid this ruining another marriage?

To see the full article - check this out:

LDS Living Magazine

Emotionally Immature

2010-01-26T00:03:00.000-07:00

What does one do when your step child never adjusts? Doesn't want to adjust?

The advice that the step child will adjust eventually is pretty sound for the most part, and a hope for every blended family. Sure two different households, with such differences in culture, in structure to no structure - all of the dynamics that go into a blended family are hard for everyone. But we aren't talking about everyone right now, we are talking about SS. At some point in time you'd hope that as they get older, they see that their friends', other families, other places in general are different - and with that comes respect for those differences, and adjustment to the differences. Just to throw out some examples, you wouldn't wear your winter clothes to the beach, or your swim suit to the symphony.... you wouldn't be jumping up and down on your desk at school, you wouldn't be helping yourself to your friend's food in his fridge w/out asking.... just some simple differences, and respecting the environment you're in. It goes along with the same things between his household to ours. We don't do anything out of the ordinary that other families do, we do have structure in our home, rules, and general teamwork to make our family work in the best possible way.

This last weekend, when DH took SS home, it is an hour drive mind you, he cried the whole way home. DH and SS will have a heart-to-heart talk the next time they have some one-on-one time, because he is obviously holding in whatever he is feeling. He does go to a therapist and has for many years, in case you're wondering. I have pondered about this weekend that may have brought him to this point. But, nothing out of the ordinary has happened. I know I wasn't perfect with him (not that I am perfect), and I will admit that SS and I do butt heads a lot, and I do say things I regret, but always apologize to him for - we talk, and we seem to be good. He had some good one-on-one time with his dad (DH), he didn't see me a lot (sad to say, but a bonus to him, and probably less stressful on me in light of everything) - I had taken our oldest out for a special treat for reading his book through the week. When we got back, the kids had some playtime together. We had dinner and then prepared (got our clothes ready, the diaper bag, and so on) for church the next morning. We had church, we had lunch, SS did his homework, we read books together, the kids played some... and he went home. The only things I know that he did not like was that he clean up after himself, that we are a little more quiet when our youngest is taking a nap (we don't have a big place, so playtime is fine, but respect that our youngest needs a nap)... So, nothing real out of the ordinary. I just have come to the realization that our hope for adjustment isn't happening at all, some days seem to be better than others, but overall, he just wants it to be him and no one else. So, understandable that he wants his dad all to himself, but realistically, I'm not going anywhere and neither are his brothers. I just wish he'd take the steps he has been taught in therapy to adjust to change. At his age (10, going on 11), for his reactions to every day, normal lifestyles, --- although he isn't used to them at home I guess, his reactions to every day occurrences tend to be emotionally immature. The sad thing is, is that we can't really do much about it. We have him less than part time, his influence and environment obviously do not have any balance. I think DH having a heart-to-heart talk to him on a regular basis will be beneficial in many ways, and I am glad he'll do that more often with him. But, in the meantime while life goes on, and he wants to be stuck in the past - just with dad, what would you do? Not really asking, just thought you could ponder.

New Year

2010-01-01T23:21:00.002-07:00

In starting this new year, I realized I hadn't updated on the situation with DSD. So I came back and read my last entry, and no real updates needed. Yes, 2 months later, and nothing really has changed. DSD was supposed to go to BM's for TGiving but our family had H1N1 and DSD would've been blacklisted from flying anyhow.

So, BM got her for CMas. Again. And I'm still at a loss on how BM got here, got back and got DSD home. So many lies circulating, where the truth's place in it all is actually irrelevant.

Would it be wrong to start telling DH all I want for my birthday is child support?

On a bright note, at least BM is carrying DSD's health insurance now. So now we won't have to get paid back for medical expenses with rubber checks.

Scattered thoughts, I know, but at least an update. Happy New Year to all!

Don't know how

2009-11-02T21:40:00.002-07:00

Not sure how some people can live with themselves. BM left town on Saturday (supposedly)...and we haven't heard from her AT ALL! Not a bit. DSD's phone was lost for a period of days...it was subsequently found, but she hasn't earned the phone privileges back yet. BM has NOT called DH at all to check on DSD, to let us know she arrived...nothing! One would think that in order to find information about one's own child, anything would be said or done....NOT the case!

We have not been given any contact information at all. No address, no contact #...she may have THOUGHT that by giving her 12 year old the information, that she gave it to us, but I'm sorry, she is the adult (or at least the one "of age").

To be honest, DH hasn't had a return call from BM in over a month. There was no revision of the parenting plan, even though DH tried to get it done. As far as we know, BM is still hanging out at her house 4 blocks away and has just tried to trash our names while she gets a new start.

We don't have child support figured out....I told DH he needs to go to the Child Support Enforcement Division in a month and turn her in...

I've also highly suggested that we find out what it takes to file violation of parenting plan and/or abandonment, because no communication is no communication. I don't really care if she hates DH's and my guts...she has responsibilities as a parent and as an adult to communicate with the one with whom she has her child.

And we're left with the child who has been torn from everything she's known...crazy is normal when you've been around it long enough. Our 2 DDs are confused, wondering why DSD is still around and not back at mom's...

So I don't know how people can do the things that BM does. I've said it before...there'd be absolutely no way...no amount of money in the world...that would ever make me leave my child(ren). I just would fight tooth and nail.

But there is no fighting. Just words. Unfortunately, it's not like "sticks and stones"...words can and do hurt in this situation. False hope hurts. Displacement hurts. The unknown hurts.

When the shoe is on the other foot

2009-10-30T00:15:00.003-06:00

Well, I just talked myself in circles and realized I'm making myself crazy...all while talking to DH about my feelings. I told him I'd come on and blog about it, and now that I've made this blog accessible through my facebook page, it's actually helping me to be more open, and I hope it's helping facilitate more understanding.

I'm really just trying to get by...trying to do what I feel is best for my family. In the eyes of God, I feel that's most important. But now, we're going through quite a bit of transition, and I'm trying to tell myself that even good stress is stress.

I know that having DSD at our home all the time will provide some conflicting feelings and ideas.

For one thing, not much has ever been written or said about fathers with custody. Because single parents marrying have been traditionally mothers, hardly anyone has spoken about women without children marrying into instant families and how women feel when they have children of their own. And I've yet to find a whole lot on blended families when custody switches over to the father.

I'm anxious. I'm scared. I'm ecstatic. I'm hopeful. I'm everything all wrapped up in a ball of nerves.

I just don't want to fail. I don't want US to fail as a family. We've been given this opportunity--this answer to our prayers of almost 8 years and now it seems like NONE of us know how to handle it.

There are plenty of issues.

Child support--how do we convince the state that we need child support now when we've had a 50/50 situation for so long and no child support has been needed?
Visitation--I like things planned. So how do we go about making sure BM gives us notice for when she wants DSD? How often does she get her? How do we make sure she doesn't monopolize all major holidays and summer? And how do we enforce the fact that because BM moved and we didn't, we're not paying for trips if we're not making them ourselves?
Speaking of summer--how do we make sure that DSD returns back to us after summer vacation? BM has pretty much given DSD false hope that she can live with BM after summer vacation.
Family rules--pretty much DSD has had rule of the roost when she was here as she was "visiting". Now, what do we do?

See, I'm completely over-thinking. I need to relax and know that the God in whom we have placed our hope, our lives, our family can handle this.

When I talk to DH about this, he is awesomely supportive. Almost too much so--to the tune of he's willing to let DSD go with BM to insure that our family will be okay. I can't let that happen.

So we transition. And I work on trying to see myself the way others see me. Hopefully, I'll have good updates. Good or bad, I plan on trying to blog my feelings. Because I KNOW that I'm not the only one going through this situation. I know that our family is not alone in our journey...and I can only hope that our transparency will light the way for someone else someday.

Victory...and another battle

2009-10-26T22:33:00.002-06:00

As a family, we have been supporting DSD for years in her prayers and her pleads to come live with us. Her family situation with BM is more than unstable and at times has been downright dangerous. We've known that eventually things would change and we'd have custody. Can't tell you how we knew, except for that calm, quiet reassurance when you just KNOW that your prayers will be answered.

Well, our prayers ARE being answered, but along with those answers is the need for more prayers. BM is moving out of state.

"Why aren't you jumping up and down"? one might ask. Trust me, I am on the inside. I'm alternating between jumping up and down and twirling all around and shuddering in the corner, sucking my thumb, hugging myself and humming "meeemeeemee". This has been a battle. One we hoped we'd win, but never even dreamed we could.

Now it's all pretty much been dropped in our laps. We found out the very end of August. If you think that's very little time for us to process it, imagine a 12 1/2 year old girl. And the thing is, her BM didn't even ask us if she could take DSD with. I guess all those times of confronting lies with the truth worked. DSD: "well, my mom's moving when I get in high school and I'll just come visit you all". Us: "your mom can leave whenever she want. She's not taking you with unless a judge says so. The judge has already said you have to stay in county unless both parents agree. We will never agree. Our job as parents is to make sure you are safe. We can hardly do that with you living 4 blocks away, we're not letting you go out of state unless a judge says". Every time, it was "unless a judge says".

I really don't want to sit and tell a hurting little girl that her mom never even asked. That she didn't consider DSD worth the effort to fight. That she didn't consider that if she moved, she'd be tearing DSD up no matter what. DSD has a brother with her mom and 2 sisters through us. Either way, she's split.

All we can do, and all we've been doing is confronting the lies with the truth. That she is loved. That she is valued. That she is a VERY important part of our family. That we would NEVER try and interrupt the love she has for her mother. That her mother is VERY blessed to have the love that DSD has shown her. What we've been telling her is that we hope she can give us even half the chance that she's ever given her mom.

And that's all we can do. That, and pray.

Appropriate Clothing

2009-10-06T21:53:00.002-06:00

Really, how hard is it to send your child with appropriate clothing?

This has been an ongoing issue. Let's see, the latest was DH calling her ahead of time in the week requesting SS to bring a clean white polo shirt & clean, non-holey, jeans that fit because we were having family pictures taken. What does she send him with? A dirty & smelly white polo shirt, and jeans that did not fit. What does SS say? "My mom didn't have time to wash it." Um, yes she did, DH gave her advance notice. She just chose not to. Argh. I did everything I could to rub out the dirt in his white shirt. I didn't have time to wash it, as we left for the pictures right after DH got home with SS.

Really, should I even be surprised? This has happened SO many times. And like another SM friend said in their situation, I'll quote her "I always found that if BM could find a way to sabotage anything we were doing, she would." Exactly that. It is sad, but true. It is so frustrating.

When we came back from the portraits, he threw on another t-shirt that I realized not too long afterward that it was the mystery smell that was in every room. I first smelled Hunter thinking for some reason it was him, but then smelled SS's shirt. I thought I was going to hurl. "My mom just washed it." Um, ya right. The smell was powerfully nasty - you know, a shirt that hadn't been washed in weeks that had a very prominent B.O. smell, topped with a rolling around in wet dog smell. It was bad. I ended up washing his entire bag that also had this wretched smell.

The first thing SS did when he walked into his house was tell his mom that I washed all of his clothes, as if this was such a bad thing for me to do. They stunk and he knew it stunk. Her reply? "I just washed them." He wasn't happy about wearing a shirt we had for him here - which I don't get. You'd think at his age (10) he would care, even a little bit. Which also brings me to another subject of clothing....

When DH and I married, I was so excited to buy some clothes for SS. My sister was working at The Gap at the time, and I got some great deals on clothes through her for him. He also got some fabulous clothes from family gatherings for Christmas and his Birthdays. The only thing I will buy now for him is church clothes & every other year for Christmas Eve we have a PJ tradition. Why? He refused to wear anything that we got him, or that others got him. My excitement wore off quickly with his rude attitude. Even when he needed it, because of the lack of clothing his mom sent with him, he still had a tantrum about wearing the clothes we had for him. Now, he doesn't do the tantrums, but he is very apparent that he is not happy about it. I don't get why, except that his mom has instilled in him his attitude problem.

I see things all the time that I think would be fun for SS, or great for him here - but then I back off very quickly. We pay a good amount of child support and whether he has good clothes at home and she sends all the bad ones to us to just irk us, I don't know. But he never has clothes that fit, and/or are appropriate for his age, or that are badly worn out, and do not smell all that great. It is frustrating any way you look at it.

5 Yr Blended Family Statistic

2009-09-20T23:52:00.004-06:00

We are coming up on the 5 year mark of some blended family statistics. One would hope that balance could actually occur within a continuous rocky road of blended family/BM (birth mom) drama. Granted, things have over time gotten better in some areas, but the struggle will continue. I don't see the end in sight unless BM did some major changes in how she insists on bringing up SS, which is a lot of the drama and struggles we are faced with when two separate households are so different from one another. Not to mention that BM will do everything in her power to make our lives miserable. She will never achieve this, but it is a frustrating journey at times.

For me, I have been faced with some challenging emotions, challenging blended family topics which in the beginning I felt like I was drowning. Then, my wonderful friend, and also stepmom - BethAnn showed me that I was not alone in my feelings that I faced within myself as a stepmom, to the feelings within a blended family. That was a huge eye opener for me and a relief to know I was not alone, and normal in the feelings I had been going through. It was then, we started a stepmom group online that has literally been my sanity in a judgmental world of people who have no clue what it is like to go through the things we do. They are my safety in talking these feelings out, they know to the "T" of what it feels like because they deal with the same issues in their own blended families, as stepmoms and so on. I am always in prayer and looking for answers to get to a better place as a stepmom and as a blended family. I am always looking inward to see what I could work on, as I am not perfect and I know that I have several weaknesses and faults in this journey as well. I am at least aware of these things and do my best at working at, and making it better.

The statistic at 5 yrs is that it takes up to 5 yrs - sometimes more - and sometimes never for love to grow. I can't tell you how many times I have seen "outside" responses about this in regards to love just happening. It doesn't work that way. So many situations are thrown into a blended family scenario. The before and after a marriage takes place, depending on how old the child is at time of a family blending occurs depends on the connection - it isn't like the moment you find out you're pregnant and fall in love with your baby to be born because you have all that time to grow in that love, and it also matters with the approach BM takes with the new situation (her ex remarrying) and how she portrays that to SS and so on.... Love in blended families take time and sometimes depending on the situation never occurs.

I'll be honest. It has been difficult to separate SS's behaviors from his mom and her behaviors. What she teaches him, is something we would never instill in our own children - hence the butting heads with SS and with BM, the frustrations, the need for balance in an unbalanced blended family because of a truly unbalanced home with his mom and SD (stepdad). The need for balance for our own family - our full-time family w/out the drama of BM and SS. There are SO many mixed emotions that occur within a blended family situation, so many questions that involve SS alone, SS & our kids, SS and me, BM and DH , SS, DH, and I, SS and BM, BM alone and so many unanswered questions, always walking on eggshells with several situations. Wow, you'd probably be blown away if you only knew how much you have to think about and take into consideration with every turn, every step, every time you open your mouth with normal, every day conversations that you would never have to think twice about, but we do because of BM, because of SS.

I have had some friends, some family be very judgmental without even asking what it is that we are dealing with. They jump on their judging band wagon thinking they know a better way. This is one of my biggest pet peeves. Even if they never would truly understand what we go through, the least I would ask of someone is to care to ask what we are going through and why we might have to approach situations the way we do.

I do care about SS. Love is something I work on inwardly, and I don't think will be coming up suddenly on the 5 yr mark. And although SS is not BM, she has really made it hard to love him. She has purposely used him against us, she has done everything in her power to make it hard on us, including a recent legal battle that cost a mint, but thankfully ended in our favor. I'd love to tell her to get over it, geesh it has been 9 yrs since they split. I'd also love to ask her what she thinks she is gaining from all her games she plays towards us and through SS. And while that is her issues and not SS's, it directly affects him, which directly affects our boys and our household. He has SO many good qualities in his life that he has no clue. We've tried time and time again to show him. But he has absolutely no social skills, no real self-esteem or confidence in his life, he has insecurities up the wazoo that are rather concerning, his play has gotten better, but still concerning as we have had several scary & unacceptable incidences with the boys that stresses me out beyond anything you can imagine. I used to get physically sick several days prior to when he was coming - I have conquered those physical symptoms, but continue to have fears and stress when he does come for mostly our boys. I do have too many annoyances that come directly from BM through him, that I am working on - and many times I have to take my own time out away from him before I say something I would regret. I am grateful that I can acknowledge this, I am grateful for the awareness, and the opportunity to work on it. We have tried to be there for him in so many ways... We have tried to have great family fun always ending in miserable drama from him. The glass is always 1/2 empty for him no matter what. So frustrating.

So, while the frustration and drama continues. We do our best. We learn more about ourselves in our journey. And I am grateful for the many changes over a period of time that have made some of the weekends better than others. Yay on the 5 yr mark coming up in October regardless of where we are at as a blended family. I have my sanity safely guarded with my stepmom group of fabulous friends, I have DH who has been absolutely wonderful in understanding as he also has had similar feelings in this journey of ours, and despite the struggles - together, DH and I have 2 handsome, adorable, squeezable, lovable, good mannered children. I am blessed.

...and just a side note, God must trust me and us as a family a lot to bestow upon us this trial. There are obviously some wonderful opportunities for spiritual and emotional growth. I have said it before, and I'll say it again that God in His infinite wisdom places us with trials for these opportunities to be strengthened if we choose to. If we choose to. I am choosing even though I am falling, I continue to stand back up and brush off the dirt off my pants and move forward. We are never alone in our journey's and I know that we will be blessed for doing our best, even if so many feel like we are doing everything wrong.

Learn respect when you are young!

2009-08-26T04:52:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was a great day because my 1st grader started school and came home saying how great school is! WOOHOO! As a parent, you can't ask for anything better. But later around 11pm, we (DH and I) were talking to DSD on the phone. She has no idea how to talk to people. I was telling my 6yo this morning about speaking respectfully and kindly to people and that we want her to learn that now, instead of later because it will be easier for her if she learns it now. I REALLY want her to learn it now! It was so frustrating talking to K last night. She is having trouble finding a job, I understand how frustrating that is, but you don't take it out on the people who are trying to help you. Her answer to every question was "OK" or "Alright", with that tone to it that makes you want to cringe. You know, "okaaaaaaaay" or "alriiight". She's 19, shouldn't she know better? Well, she's been given an ultimatum, if she doens't get a job in the next month, she loses her car. Hopefully that will put a spark under her and she'll get something.

Mixed Emotions

2009-08-25T22:52:00.000-06:00

I have been trying work on a post about the many mixed emotions that one encounters when you blend a family together. There are SO many, and now being almost 5 yrs into our blended family, it was difficult for me to bring back the many emotions I felt over the years. I am going to do my best and perhaps the rest of the contributors here would add their own thoughts to this post as well.

So, stay tuned - for Mixed Emotions Part II -- hopefully coming soon. :)

Handling Serious Incidents

2009-05-28T21:44:00.006-06:00

Recently, we had an incident arise between SS and DS that is very serious in nature, one that could have been life threatening for DS. My natural mommy instincts would be to keep the two of them separated completely and for good. I am having hard time wanting to take ANY chances, however, I have a very deep feeling that we need to keep SS in the picture and just "babysit" if you will 24/7. They can NEVER again be left alone, not for any moment of time.

And of course, those who I have told about this incident, has given their own thoughts on the matter as well. I do appreciate everyone's input, however we (DH & I) are going about the issue in a different way.

Not that any of what I am about to say gives an excuse for SS with what transpired. But, it does give a better insight into the matter, and also a better know-how of how to handle the situation.

SS's issue is that he goes too far in "play" - when he is in the act of doing, he doesn't see what he is really doing. And that is not an excuse to make this seem all okay, because it is not. But how do you teach him about this when his mom doesn't care to see it and his grandfather teaches him and instills in him that x-rated war games are okay and its an okay part of life? To him, this is a normal part of life. I'm going to go back even further --- we have had a concern for a long time about the lack of imagination in his play, how it always surrounds violence. His mom? "boys will be boys" comment comes into play - she doesn't see it. Would you not find it sad if a child told you, after you encouraged him to use his imagination w/out having violence, and the child telling you that he cannot because he doesn't know how to have an imagination outside of violence, because violence to him is what is fun. This has time and time again sent red flags out for not only us, but other family members, and the parent's of some friends he has made and played with in the past. We have encouraged time and time again for him to use his imagination and given him numerous examples of positive play --- over time, things have gotten better. But, we only have him for a very short time each month, we cannot effectively instill in him the goodness of so many other things in life.

God is very much a part of my life. And though my mommy instincts say he'll never see DS again, I know in my heart that this is not the answer. Off and on for the last few weeks - and not in any direct context or in any specific conversation about anyone in particular ---all I keep hearing through others --- sometimes rather annoying to hear with everything I have dealt with on the blended family issues --- but through various people, I hear the word "LOVE" a lot. And it is starting to sink in that, if we as a family showed SS what love is truly about - even though we have him a dot in a month - this will be what brings him through. I still have a really hard time seeing this, as I have SO, SO many negative feelings towards him and BM. I have been working through these emotions a day at a time, that is all I can do, and I do need to work on creating that loving environment that he needs when he comes here, even if it is just a "dot" in his life through each month. 12 loving dots through the year are better than none. Regardless, and I DO believe this, that regardless of the circumstance children NEED love, they NEED positive reinforcement, they NEED stability in their life - and 12 stability dots is better than nothing. It may not be effective, but it can plant a seed if we do our best and our part in the matters. I am aware of a lot of things that need to happen on our end to help the situation. Easier said than done at times. Easier said than done when we are not the "instilling" environment - but we can include prayer into this as well, for SS, for BM for now and for the future. He NEEDS this. He is still just a kid who can and has the ability to make good choices. Turning him away completely is not going to help him for the rest of his life.

But we have to handle this all with seriousness and caution always. We don't want anything grave to happen to our kids just because he went too far in his "play" if you want to call it that. We have to do what is best for our kids and their safety - as well as, do our best to instill something good into SS. There is always hope, always. We will come through this one way or another with positive marks.

I'd like to address some comments here that were made.

A suggestion of getting him back into his therapist was made. And I completely agree with this, only DH made a really good point on this. What is done in therapy will be undone at his home with his mom. What good is this? We've already tried this route with him - it is not going to work until BM changes her environment for SS.
Another thought was made about the idea of what was SS doing at night? He is sleeping. There is not concern that he is going to do any unsafe event towards DS. Again, this incident was not meditated. He gets out of control in his "play" -- the time with DS will be more limited, and their time together will always be watched like a hawk, always.

There may be some other changes happening in the near future as well, which will have a natural positive consequence in keeping them apart.

Acknowledged

2009-05-19T01:14:00.004-06:00

On Sunday, the Primary President in our ward (church) pulled me aside in the hallway and with tearful gratitude, expressed how good SS is in primary, and that he does enjoy being there. She expressed that he may not know it now, but one day she hoped that he would see what a great sacrifice and the many adjustments we have made as a blended family for him, for DH driving clear out to SS's house and back (a 2 hr round trip) to pick him up and take him home, for all the feelings and emotions that go into a blended family. She just felt the need to express how grateful she was that we were doing so great as a blended family in light of all the circumstances we deal with. I'll tell you, that was really nice to hear!

I'd Understand If...

2009-05-12T00:17:00.003-06:00

I have tried time and time again to step into BMs shoes. But I just don't understand her. Here, DH is a wonderful father, who pays his CS, who isn't a "deadbeat" father/dad, who spends time with his son, who every other weekend drives roundtrip for 2 hrs to pick him up and come home, who has an active interest in him with all the areas of his life. And yet, she can't stand for him to have any kind of influence over him. Okay, so you have issues with your ex, get over it - this isn't about you.

It again, all comes down to lack of respect on her part. She can't stand that DH has any influence - even though it is positive. She can't stand that we live our lives differently (not bad), and she shows disrespect for us, which in turn SS shows disrespect in all that we do/that is important to us as a family. Gee, that teaches him something good doesn't it? Argh.

There are PLENTY of things we don't agree with that she does with SS. But we let it go, because in these matters, agreeing to disagree is the best thing to do. And doing the best we can in our family here is all we can do.

The sad part is, she conditions SS to think or act as he does. Which is another story for another time.

In the beginning.....

2009-05-09T21:20:00.006-06:00

When I married my husband, his daughter was 7yrs old. She was sweet and we were really good friends. That lasted about 6mos...... I will never forget some on the things she said to me or to her dad about me..... "When's Lynn going to go away?", "Why does she have to be here ALL the time?", "I liked it better when it was just you and me!"....there are more, that's just a few. Don't get me wrong, we had some good times, but we also had some bad times. We had the "standard" 1st, 3rd, 5th weekend visitation, Wed nights from 6-8pm (which is stupid, if you ask me), alternating holidays, a month in the summer, her birthday (if it wasn't a school day), Dad's birthday (if it wasn't a school day), that might be it, not sure. We never missed a weekend unless we called ahead and traded or something. When we got married and were gone for a week on our honeymoon, MIL and FIL took her for the weekend. That was when she was 7yrs old.......fast forward 6yrs..... it's July 2003, she's 13 and we just had our first baby together. Abigail was born the day before our 6th anniversary. So DH goes and picks up K for our normal weekend (Abigail is exactly 1 week old at this point), I thought I was going to lose it. Is he nuts!?!? I just had a baby! I don't know what I'm doing. She's not sleeping, I'm not sleeping, I'm trying to nurse and he thinks picking up K isn't going to upset me? So he takes her to church and I stay home with the baby, which I really didn't mind, I acutally got to sleep a little. So they get home from church and she's brought a friend over. WHAT?!?! Well, the friend didn't have a swimsuit so K says "can't you take me to get her a swimsuit?" UHHHHHHH, NO! Are you insane!?! And I told her, "I just had a baby, you aren't the center of attention." She didn't like that too much. I don't remember her exact reaction, but she didn't like it. But I didn't back down.

Why is it?

2009-05-07T23:49:00.002-06:00

I don't get it. I don't. I try, but I don't understand. Why is it that some people who should NEVER be allowed to reproduce make the most awesome kids in the world who would do anything for them, yet I fought the battle of infertility, had 2 gorgeous kiddos, almost had me and baby die last baby, and now I'm sterile? How is it fair that any child would have to cry themselves to sleep at night because their mom couldn't and won't make them a priority? Why, when I have plenty of friends who would KILL to be able to have and hold their own children? It just isn't fair.

No wonder DSD is having behavioral and academic problems. If I thought for an instant that my mom didn't want me, I'd be in the same boat. My DSD is phenomenal. Truly. The lengths she's gone to for her mother are heart-breaking. She's seen more in her short years than many of us as adults have seen even on TV or movies.

And I'm kicking myself. Royally. My friend is going through a similar situation with psycho-BM and she's doing the very ballsy, right, correct thing and pressing charges and getting a restraining order on BM. I don't know for the life of me why I let myself get talked out of doing same YEARS ago. And I blame myself for DSD still being with this awful woman every other week who she would and has lie and cover for.

All she wants is a place. Really. You give her just a little attention and she flourishes. But even under DH and my loving home, she's still longing. She fights us because we are "safe". Not fair, but how it is. When you have a mother with as many problems as her's, you fight your way through as much as possible.

Sorry that I'm babbling, but my heart is breaking for this beautiful child that I would do anything to have fulltime, even as much as I've complained. Give this child some stability and unconditional love, and with time, I know she'll be the awesome princess of God that she's intended to be. I just hope we get custody before she's ruined.

Okay, remind me how this goes?

2009-05-05T00:24:00.003-06:00

Had a very short hiatus from DSD and now her mom is dumping her on us. Yes, it is her week, and yet we have her today until Thursday. We get her back Friday. I know, I said "dumping" and that's exactly what this is. This lady (if you want to call her that) BM works all friggin weekend and chooses the week she has DSD to go out of town. Whatever.

So tonight, we got DSD, and I was all ready to make positive changes for this week. She's crying. I mean, shoulders heaving, sobbing, crying. Now, how the HELL is that fair to us and our family?! I know, I know...I am very concerned about her, but I'm more pissed off about BM sabotaging this. Of course, I tried to talk to DH about it and of course it got all jumbled up and I end up looking like the wicked witch of the West for not wanting her here.

And that's just it....I want her here...full time. This week here, week there, stay with whomever when it's convenient for mom stuff sucks. And it's bottom line NOT fair to DSD. With all the crap going on in their lives right now, I'm sure she's the parent over there. She's definitely NOT being parented, that's for sure.

So, remind me....I'm supposed to WANT to have someone in my home who acts like she's lost her best friend or that I shot her puppy dog or drove long spikes into her toenails every time she's over here. I'm supposed to drop everything and thank my lucky stars she's here. Why?

The thing is...

2009-05-03T00:42:00.003-06:00

...I honestly like DSD. Most of the time. It's just I HAVE to have rules in my house. Especially with my 2 younger DDs looking and learning EVERYTHING they see. The other day, DD asked me why DSD was doing blah or blah and I finally told her to ask DSD.

Part of having your own children is being able to discipline them the way you and your DH have chosen. As a SM, I don't have that luxury.

I know, I know, you can tell me til you're blue in the face that I should or shouldn't be able to discipline DSD, but see, that's just it...everyone has different opinions.

One way that I've finally started telling people the way I feel is this: If you have someone who doesn't seem to respect, doesn't listen to you, crosses boundaries, someone who intentionally or unintentionally brings drama in your life and plain ol' treats you mean, what do you do? Well, duh! You strongly consider what role this person is going to have in your life, right? I don't have that luxury.

And then you have....

2009-05-01T19:49:00.002-06:00

the spouse who is so guilt ridden about the child who he is "missing out on" that everything else is put on hold while he/she is there. I was actually told (by my now ex) that it was the sd time and that he would get with me on Monday when she went back to school!

OR the spouse that is harder on your intact children than he is on his other child (even with a great age difference). The one who cries over missing the other children but will not play with or have much to do with your own children together. Hmmm.

No---we didn't "know what we were getting into when we married them"!

Love Takes Time

2009-04-28T21:46:00.006-06:00

Love takes time, and sometimes never quite occurs. Studies suggest that it takes about 5 to 8 yrs for stepchildren/stepparents to mesh together, to create a foundation of love. But sometimes, that doesn't quite occur - sometimes and maybe I just haven't quite made it there yet, being shy of 5 yrs here, but caring about SS is very much there. I'm sure that many of the judgmental people out there in our blended family journey would disagree with that for whatever perspective they see on the surface, but they haven't seen behind the scenes of why or cared to ask. There is push behind what goes on in a blended family. Again, refer back to a previous post "Why? Just Ask."

I'll give a little history here in a moment, but right now I'd like to get the idea across that you really besides a good start of a creating a foundation that is worthy to cultivate love if you will, will indeed help in the progress towards love. But then, throw in normal circumstances in life that would throw any child or relationship off a bit - but moreso with a child that you do not have full-time, and really at the time less than 6 days a month, but due to situations within our own family, the kids we do have full-time, he is now here about twice a month unless there are holidays that fall into our every other year schedule. Throw in BM who though remarried for several years, still has to be "in control", and does everything she can to destroy what good there could be. Throw in the many emotions tied to stepparenting, and then along with having your own kids to think about the effects on them, the sometimes selfish feelings we may feel as parents/stepparents... Before finding my wonderful SM friends, I truly thought I was abnormal for feeling many of the feelings I had felt. But, then I realized one day that - through reading other people's situations, through talking to my Dr. after emotional ups and drastic downs, that what I was feeling was/is normal. That I had to work through them, which I have and continue to do. I have come a long way, I have a long way yet to go. I'll be sharing some of those back and forth feelings in another post here. But for now, a little history involved in the lack of foundation for love.

Before DH and I married, I wasn't "in" the picture yet with BM. So I was on "safe ground" if you will. I was excited to be a part of SS's life, I was excited to create a bond with him, to have a "son" ~ as in my own previous marriage, I had experienced 5 miscarriages (m/c) and really thought that I would never have children of my own.

Little did I know what I was getting into.... would I have changed my decision of marrying DH? No. I just had a huge, ongoing battle to be dealt with placed in front of me with a drop of a bomb.

I mentioned above about "...throw in normal circumstances in life that would throw any child or relationship off a bit - but moreso with a child that you do not have full-time..." When DH and I married it was suggested to us by my Dr. that if we wanted to try and have a baby, now was the time to do it, otherwise one of my ovaries was to be taken out within 6 months due to a deformed ovary from many laparoscopies from endometriosis. I never had a hard time getting pregnant, just sustaining. Well, DH and I married in October (almost 5 yrs ago) and was pregnant the following month, finding out in Dec. It was quick, all was well... this baby stuck and the result? Our handsome little man, who is now about to turn 4 yrs old. During this pregnancy, however, I went on bedrest right into the second trimester for 6 months. During the times we were supposed to have SS, DH had to work, leaving me to have to "entertain" him - and couldn't because I was on bedrest. So, most of the days turned into times that he spent with his cousins, and then towards the end of the day came home and we did the best we could. Not a great atmosphere to create a foundation of any kind of relationship from. So, it started it out rocky.

Lets talk a little about BM and her role in conditioning SS to think as he does, act as he does. Which in turn doesn't help us create a healthy start in not only the relationship between stepparent/stepchild, but also blended family in general. Well... I have momentarily stepped away from this aspect of the topic, because I'm unsure of how to address this aspect w/out throwing in several other subjects at once.

We'll move onto another part of this, and I'll try and address the role of BM either here or in another post. I think it is only natural for a child who spent most of his time every other weekend with his bio-parent (DH in this case) to feel like he's being replaced, jealousy perhaps as well when his parent is remarried, especially when the situation (full-time vs. part time or even less in our case) of the stepparent not having much of a chance to grasp onto a normal relationship. SS's parents have been with him from the get-go. If you have children of your own, you know that the moment you found out you were pregnant, you fell in love with that tiny being growing within. The love of your own children will never be the same as the love you can have with your stepchild. That is just a given. I'm not being mean, it is just a fact of life. Now, if we adopted a child, and we had that child full-time, then yes - love happens, the start of love can happen with adoption before you ever receive a child. But again, this scenario with SS falls back into the lack of time we have with him, and not that more time at this point in his life with all the many circumstances that follow behind would be beneficial either. We'll get to that in the future. Anyway, backing up to my original thought to all this --- the 'replacement' feeling must be hard. I think especially hard for SS because he is an only child, but also because the conditioning he gets at home is centered around him increasing his feelings and thoughts about the world around him. His views to life are about how the world revolves around him and noone else can fit into his world.

It is really sad when you hear from a therapist, that he'll have a hard time succeeding in life until his home environment changes (although the older he gets, the harder that will be on him as well -- old habits die hard.) We can only hope and pray that when he enters into adulthood, that he'll see a better way to life. Going back to my orgininal post ("The Story Begins...") with realizing that if BM would just agree to disagree with our homelife, as we do with hers - and show some respect in our behalf --- a lot of the opportunities to create a foundation, to cultivate love would be able to happen.

There are many conflicting feelings you go through being a stepparent/stepmom. One of them in regards to this subject is the hardship of trying to separate the child's behavior, thoughts etc. from BM (who could be a positive role model, or help in the back and forth "pull" between houses - but is not.) Trying to love a child who brings so much chaos into your home is hard to do. Is it SS's fault for the example he gets at home? No. And so, I have to really try hard and look at it all in the respect. However, even though it is not his fault for the example he gets, doesn't make an excuse or make it okay for him to create the chaos he does at times. I guess, some of what I am getting into now is where BM's role is in all of this. It is really hard to love when you are walking on eggshells when he is here. No matter what you do, what you say is "recorded" here by the walking SS tape recorder - it gets lied about, construed and all h-e-double hockey sticks breaks out -- including not just nasty or unpleasant notes, but being drug through legal issues (most recently, the thought that we had more money, and she was trying to get more money from us - as if she wasn't getting enough as it was.) I could be talking about the weather for heaven's sake and yes, that simple conversation can turn into a mess, taken home, and turned around into something that it was not. One time, we went on a hike, got two rocks, washed them, painted them and made them into prayer rocks. One went home with him, and one stayed here. Simple you'd think. Fun you'd think. A positive outing/bonding time you'd think. But boy was I ever wrong to do that with him... love to share the nasty letter I got on that one, but I won't for privacy reasons of course. But, yes... I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't scenario. Would it be hard for a bio-mom to let her son go see his stepmom who might have some other influence over him that she may not like? Sure. But, we have a happy family here - we love to do things together as a family, we try to cultivate a positive, loving atmosphere. It is not as if we are doing anything bad, but she sadly makes it out to be that we are and she conditions SS into thinking that our way of life is abnormal, our way of discipline or handling situations with our children are abnormal. She conditions him to think that his weekends are supposed to be these grand vacations. Look... the world does not revolve around him, and life does not stop just because he is here. She conditions him that outings, if not paid for are no fun. His outlook on anything becomes negative because he didn't get that 15 more minutes to play at the park, even though he had been there for 45 min and did have a great time. But 15 more minutes would have made the difference (no, not really...) and because he didn't get it, the rest of the day is negative and bad. Because of who he is, it is hard to love.

The general rule in life is to find the positive aspects in people, which tend to block out the negative ones and you're more able to feel better about that person, which in turn will help you feel better overall. I can't tell you how many times I have tried to see the positive aspects and come up with nothing.

I can't tell you how many times that I cry because SS is a son of God, and he deserves to have love, to have opportunities in his life that would help change his views of life being so negative. I have cried because I need to LOOK at him as a son of God, and to this day, I continue to work on that. Despite everything, despite all the trials with him, he is a son of God. If I could just grasp onto that more, perhaps that would help my overall feelings.

It it is hard that in the beginning... anything I did was wrong in BMs eyes. Well, you can't control her reaction, you shouldn't stress over what you don't have control over. But, for a long time and it increased in intensity, then decreased, then went back and forth --- I was physically sick prior to SS coming. I dreaded the chaos that came with him. And when we had our own kids, the dread became worse because the chaos not only affected me and DH, it now affected our child, and now children. I have since worked through feeling sick prior to his visits, and that is better. But, the whole saga of how he views how everything should go while he is here gets old. 1. The world (again) revolves around him (or so he wants.) 2. Our way of life is actually normal, but because of his *lovely* mom (sarcasm here), our trying to make our home a safe haven from the sometimes violent world that surrounds us is a joke to him. 3. But, "mom said I could do this or I didn't have to do this." Um... does your mom live here? Who is she to dictate how we live our life or what SS can and cannot do here. Not happening. 4. DH pays his CS, and it used to be outrageous - to us, in that it does not cost as much as he used to be paying for one child every month. That was WAY more than what we would ever spend on our child(ren). I think it is important for CS, because the child from the previous marriage is theirs, yes and they should have that responsibility. But, when you have no say in where that money goes, because in some BM's lives, they could really care less about where it goes, just as long as they are getting that extra money. So yes, SS deserves CS, but at the time when it was SO friggin' high - it was really sour point for me, for us. CS in other areas is still a sour point - will get to that in another post.

What it comes down to is that everything involved affects the love that could transpire. If BM could show some respect in our behalf, that would help. If BM would stop using SS - literally, that would help.

Love takes time. I do care about him, and maybe one day I can say I love him. Time will give us the opportunity to do just that.

...And it begins again...

2009-04-23T23:20:00.002-06:00

Wow, I realize at times that I sound awful, even evil at times. You know what? I'm learning not to care. Form your own opinions, but know that I am doing the best job I know how.

So, I know it's wrong to dread something that's beyond someone's control, but I'm dreading not SD, but this next week with SD.

The "Victim"

2009-04-23T20:44:00.006-06:00

One of my biggest pet peeves of people is they look at the children in a divorce throughout their lives as "victims". Yes, divorce is hard. Yes, being pulled from one household to the other is hard. And yes, I do have sympathy and feel sorry for the life that SS has at times - but the world does not evolve around him. At some point in time he must try to adjust to his surroundings, find his niche if you will, and do the best he can.

My biggest peeve about the whole blah blah blah "victim" thought of a divorced child is that when there are other children involved with a blended family, the children that are here with us full time - they are never thought of in what goes on, how this affects them and we, as parents MUST think of them, and sometimes first. Why? Because despite the lack of discipline in the other household which displays excessive and sometimes unacceptable behavioral issues here, it affects our oldest who currently is 3 yrs old. He is in the normal developmental stage of just figuring out his emotions - this is normal. But when you add the excessive behavior problems that are displayed here every other week, he gets confused with his emotions and acts out as SS does causing much concern on our part for a good healthy and positive start to his emotions. And the really sad thing is that our DS knows that his emotions after we have had SS are out of control, he displays them, he cries, and he wants to be comforted. So we have to think of our children here first, as we have them full time, as they have a chance, a start at a good, healthy life. Our decisions of how to proceed falls within the lines of what we have dealt and are dealing with.

Do we want SS to have healthy emotions? Sure. But, there will never be a foundation for this in our household with him because of how his mother conditions him in thinking our way of life is abnormal. We are not the primary care giver, so it is hard to help him see a different way to life. All we can do is be an example. We do the best we can and that is all we can do.

I think it is important for SS and DS to have their relationship, as they are brothers. BUT, because of the situation at hand, their time together has been limited. This has helped immensly with the behavioral issues for both of them actually. It has also given the opportunity for DH to spend a good amount of one-on-one time with his son. You can't go wrong there.

Trying to explain.....

2009-04-22T00:33:00.002-06:00

....is like trying to piss up a rope. May accomplish it, but it'll be VERY messy.

We're having issues (big surprise) with SD and BM and DH are talking about SD just staying at one house for a while, as opposed to a week. I just CANNOT explain my thoughts to DH, no matter how hard I try.

I've tried explaining it a few ways.
1) No matter what, all of the children are HIS children, so he doesn't see "mine and ours". He wants ALL of his children mentioned; all of them cared for.
2) Typically, men marry women with children--NOT the other way around. And if a gal marries a guy with kid(s), usually they're a widower or have "classic" custody. In our situation, we have a full week at a time.
3) With younger children in the picture now, things are NOT about DH and SD and BM. There's siblings at BOTH homes and BOTH sets of siblings need care and love and support as they are younger and can't always understand where sister went and why she's not here, or there.
4) It takes some pretty special people to be able to handle an arrangement like ours'. I know that. Usually, our family does superb. But sometimes, eh.....not so much. And that HAS to be okay.
5) I love SD, but when point comes to point, I am NOT her mom. Do I wish for her full-time? Hell yeah, but this stuff she's doing is sure making it easier for me to withdraw.

I confuse myself, so why the heck do I expect anyone to understand me?

Because I need it. We need it. Like previous post, just listen. Don't bring your Cinderella or other drummed up fantasies into this. Just be. No one's asking you to take action. I'm just looking for 1 more-educated and less uninformed-opinionated person out there.

More later.....

Why? Just Ask.

2009-04-21T23:01:00.004-06:00

I guess the "story begins" with you... but, it continues on for me/us.

My main push for this blog was simply to educate the people who are on the "outside of the box" -- who tend to judge the people on the "inside of the box." I have had plenty of people over the past almost 6 years judge, including family who didn't and don't ever give the time of day to ask where we are coming from on matters regarding why we do what we do in order to keep the peace (if you even want to call it that) between households. Normal every day occurrences that happen in normal family settings, have to be thoroughly thought out before acting upon because the "other" party - your SC and/or BM create conflict within your home. There are so many instances or examples that I could share - but with time, you'll soon see exactly what I am talking about, what everyone here is talking about. All I ask, is that the people who do read, who are on the "outside of the box" looking in, before you leap to judgment -- learn more, educate yourself, ask - make a comment - we'll respond, *try* to put yourself in our shoes - and not the happy beautiful smelling rose bush, but the ones that have a lot of thorns... The one thing that has irked me the most has been people who do not ask and outrightly judge w/out knowing the circumstances behind why.

And then you realize...

2009-04-20T23:07:00.005-06:00

It's not about you. It's not about how much you love your partner (DH/DW), love their child. You realize...you are just a part of something. Something much bigger than you. Something of which you had no input but are constantly involved. It's not about you.

When situations come up in a family, the family deals with it. In a "nuclear" family. In a non-step family. In a step-family, things are different. There's no way to be able to control, to know, to deal with, what happens at the "other" house. There's no way to estimate how your SC (SD or SS) is going to react to things at your house because of what happened at BM's. I guess I should use BP as in "birth parent".

There's no reason why a child should know terms as bio-mom/parent and why siblings should have to be separated because of choices not theirs'.

And then you realize....it's not about you. It's about the fragmented part of someone's life. But that fragment has a name and comes to live at your house. (S)he is a living, breathing, loving, amazing person who did not ask for the fragmented live they live.

But neither did you. And neither did your children together.

People say you know what you're getting into when you have a relationship or marriage with someone who has a child, who has an ex.

People have NO idea. And then you realize....

The Story Begins...

2009-04-20T19:01:00.001-06:00

I realized the other day that if BM would simply agree to disagree with our life (like we do with hers) in general, and also show respect, whether it be her ex and son's father, that every household is different and that is okay and doesn't mean it is bad or wrong. If she would show that respect, it would give SS the opportunity to learn about respecting others, it would create more of an opportunity to create peace within our household. It would also lessen the issues that SS faces and the negative conditioning that she creates because she feels she has to be in control. The sad fact about this, is that she is making matters worse for us as a family (not that she cares)... The sad fact is that she is creating emotions within SS that are negative, disrespectful, rude - and not just in light of our family, but it will affect him for the rest of his life.

And so the story begins...